Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's just emotion taking me over

It's taken me a few weeks to write anything, mainly because I've been busy. Between school, work, and activism, It's been difficult to keep up. I also haven't been able to think of anything to write. But I thought I would write about this and see where it takes me; I haven't been feeling myself lately. I've been sensitive and moody, and quite sad for some reason. I'm not sure why or what brought this on, I'm usually quite happy. It's like staring out a window into a world that should be bright and full of possibilites but seeing nothing. I'm not like this every day, but it does leave me to wonder if maybe I'm driving people away by being too emotional.

I fought with a friend tonight over something so trivial it's barely worth mentioning. We were discussing the merits of test taking. I'm against them, I feel as though throwing a paper in front of a student and asking them to regurgitate everything they've learned within an increment of time is simply wrong. She says that there is no other way and that we simply dont have the money to accomodate every learning style. What a silly thing to argue over, to test or not to test. Yet somehow it became a battle of the whits; who could prove their point more thoroughly, more quickly, who could speak over the other louder. It was ridiculous.

She said I always sound like I want to win the argument and that I bulldoze over her anytime her opinion differs slightly from mine. I told her that she did the very same thing to me and that even when i'm simply having a discussion, she assumes i'm being competitive.  I told her that I felt we've only begun to fight like this within the last few months. She took that to mean it was her fault we continuously fight. She went on to say that she doesn't fight with anyone else like this and proceeded to list off several mutual friends. One of whom, in all honesty I have been feeling a little jealous over, possibly because this person is a friend I had introduced her to. Last year we fought, and though we've since made up, our friendship has never been the same. She since has become close with that person, and I cant tell you how it hurt to be compared to the very person you fear will take your place. I did tell her it was unfair to be compared to her other friends and she agreed and apologized for that part of it.

Is it me? Have my resurfaced feelings of insecurity completely taken over my ability to to disagree with people? That can't be right, i just had a conversation the other day with someone who felt that womyn should not have the right to abort an unwanted fetus. We talked for hours and in the end, he said "why cant the pro-choice/pro-life debate always be like this?" So I must have been doing something right. Nothing can become a more heated debate than whether or not life begins at conception and if abortion should be legal. (Which, in Canada it is.)

I digress, back to the original topic at hand. She said that when we talk, it's as though I'm so competitive that i must win every argument. But I've tried walking away, she says she doesn't like ending conversations that way. I'm certain we're both wrong, arguments are rarely one sided. But how do I fix this? We both agreed to spend the next few days thinking about what we could do differently and what we have been doing to create this atmosphere with one another. She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, I said I didn't want to lose her either.

I know it's just a matter of time and with space we'll both be fine. But there are times when i wish life's road would be a little smoother.

Monday, January 2, 2012

What Once Was and What is Yet to Come

My friend Farron and I on NYE

Of course as the year ends and this new one begins, why not start with the standard review of the year passed and the one to come. What a year it's been for me. A friend of mine once told me that I'm not someone who grows slowly and gradually, I remain stagnant for periods of time and then experience very quick and steep periods of growth. I can tell you this entire year has certainly been one of growth. I began last year depressed and not understanding my place in this world. I felt as though I had been searching for a way in which to make my mark. I think I'm beging to find it in this blog, and in my activism.

Ah my I've adored being so incredibly involved in my local and global community. I love fighting to make this world a better place. I know that as I live and breathe my goal is to ensure that I am always there for those in need, to listen, empathize, validate, and to give advice when needed. For those that have been reading this blog, I'm sure you know by now that my focus has been mainly on womyn, womyn identified, transsexual/gender folks, as well as anyone else that has ever felt oppressed or isolated.

I've learned this year that the hate isn't confined to specific situations, and certain people, it's prevalent even amongst the most surprising communities. Born female, a beautiful friend of mine, "D”, recently began to identify as androgynous. As D’s politics began to shift and grow, I watched as she was shunned within feminist communities for not being female enough. I was incredibly saddened to experience first hand, as I defended this person, the discrimination and ignorance D  faces daily, based solely on the fact that she changed her first name, and pronouns from "she" to "they" or if you like, D allows us to use "he", "she", or "they" preferably interchangeably...yes i know it's confusing but I love this person dearly for the choices she's made. 

Love..well that is certainly something I've experienced in the last year,  I've written about the loss of friends that once loved me  and the absolute despair i felt after people who had been with me since childhood chose to walk away. It's incredible how shattered I felt and how difficult it was to see those morsels of my spirits scattered around me like shards of broken glass. Though I've fallen in my life more times than i care to think of, a good friend sent me this "Falling down is part of life…Getting back up is part of living" and so i picked myself back up, put back together those pieces and began to learn to love myself more truly and deeply. I grew not only in my self love but in my love for God and the feeling of utter tranquility in the knowledge of that existence. This process of self growth has been incredibly positive even gave me the confidence put myself out there a little.

Everything happens for a reason and I know now that the loss of those friends had to happen or I would have never  met some of the most wonderful people I know today. People who have given me the space to heal in many ways, by being an ear (or a set of eyes in the case of an email or text) by providing me with sanctuary, by loving me and believing in me, and never letting me down. For that I am nothing but grateful. Life has given me the opportunity to make some very fruitful lemonade from the lemons I once held in my hands.

I guess what I look to in the new year, is for this growth to continue. For my goal of helping and supporting others in need, to evolve and reach new heights. I hope for this blog to grow as I do. I've written several posts pertaining to my politics as of late but I do wish to delve back into the personal as well. I began this blog two years ago as a means of communicating with a friend of mine, in the last several months I began to feel that I wanted to increase the visibility of this blog and I hope that 2012 bring more people to this place, new faces to meet, and new stories to read, new ways to grow, learn, and reflect.

Happy New Year, folks!