Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's just emotion taking me over

It's taken me a few weeks to write anything, mainly because I've been busy. Between school, work, and activism, It's been difficult to keep up. I also haven't been able to think of anything to write. But I thought I would write about this and see where it takes me; I haven't been feeling myself lately. I've been sensitive and moody, and quite sad for some reason. I'm not sure why or what brought this on, I'm usually quite happy. It's like staring out a window into a world that should be bright and full of possibilites but seeing nothing. I'm not like this every day, but it does leave me to wonder if maybe I'm driving people away by being too emotional.

I fought with a friend tonight over something so trivial it's barely worth mentioning. We were discussing the merits of test taking. I'm against them, I feel as though throwing a paper in front of a student and asking them to regurgitate everything they've learned within an increment of time is simply wrong. She says that there is no other way and that we simply dont have the money to accomodate every learning style. What a silly thing to argue over, to test or not to test. Yet somehow it became a battle of the whits; who could prove their point more thoroughly, more quickly, who could speak over the other louder. It was ridiculous.

She said I always sound like I want to win the argument and that I bulldoze over her anytime her opinion differs slightly from mine. I told her that she did the very same thing to me and that even when i'm simply having a discussion, she assumes i'm being competitive.  I told her that I felt we've only begun to fight like this within the last few months. She took that to mean it was her fault we continuously fight. She went on to say that she doesn't fight with anyone else like this and proceeded to list off several mutual friends. One of whom, in all honesty I have been feeling a little jealous over, possibly because this person is a friend I had introduced her to. Last year we fought, and though we've since made up, our friendship has never been the same. She since has become close with that person, and I cant tell you how it hurt to be compared to the very person you fear will take your place. I did tell her it was unfair to be compared to her other friends and she agreed and apologized for that part of it.

Is it me? Have my resurfaced feelings of insecurity completely taken over my ability to to disagree with people? That can't be right, i just had a conversation the other day with someone who felt that womyn should not have the right to abort an unwanted fetus. We talked for hours and in the end, he said "why cant the pro-choice/pro-life debate always be like this?" So I must have been doing something right. Nothing can become a more heated debate than whether or not life begins at conception and if abortion should be legal. (Which, in Canada it is.)

I digress, back to the original topic at hand. She said that when we talk, it's as though I'm so competitive that i must win every argument. But I've tried walking away, she says she doesn't like ending conversations that way. I'm certain we're both wrong, arguments are rarely one sided. But how do I fix this? We both agreed to spend the next few days thinking about what we could do differently and what we have been doing to create this atmosphere with one another. She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, I said I didn't want to lose her either.

I know it's just a matter of time and with space we'll both be fine. But there are times when i wish life's road would be a little smoother.


  1. You are an awesome, passionate woman sweetie. I understand all too well because we share many traits. It's easy for people to misinterpret our motivations. I know it's easy for you to get "carried away" with things you are passionate about.
    I'm glad you have talked about this with your friend and you want to make things better. Perhaps once you talk with her in a few days the two of you can figure out where to go from here. Perhaps it could be as simple as one person saying to the other "time out" if the conversation is getting too heated. But if you discuss this when you're both calm and rational instead of in the middle of a heated debated, it will make the debates much easier.
    Barry and I went through that years ago. We'd get into an argument, I'd walk away and he would seethe. Then I explained it's because I didn't want to say anything I would regret later ... because once the words are out ... you can't take them back ... and words can do so much damage. Once I explained that, if we got into a heated discussion ... we'd go to our corners, cool off and most of the time realize it didn't matter.
    Perhaps a little break in the conversation might diffuse the "competitiveness" you both feel. Just a thought.
    Hugs babe!

  2. Sandy's right, you're a very passionate person. Opinionated, but in a good way because you don't try to force your views on other people and are always willing to hear the other side even when you strongly disagree with it.

    After hundreds of conversations and a bazillion words between us I feel I know you better than most and I know you agree. So I hope it will carry some weight with you when I say that I don't feel it's all on you. Yes you're competetive and yes you can get emotional. All I can say is that if a relationship, any kind of relationship is strong enough it can weather these things. There's nothing I feel you need to fix, you're who you are and I think who you are is amazing.

  3. Thanks you two. You're both awesome! We did talk things through and have both agreed that we need to communicate with each other more clearly and learn to accept that we dont agree on everything. Such a simple solution in theory but harder than you'd imagine in practice...who knew