So just for some perspective this letter is to someone i was involved with. I initially thought that we would end up in a relationship only to realize that they chose to go back to their previous partner.
I feel as though I have a ball in the pit of my stomach; one that seems to tighten at the thought of you. As it tightens it seems to spread, and never fails to reach my heart, this heart of mine so vulnerable and ready for the taking. Why do I do this to myself? Why must I leave this precious part of me so open to pain? While I use all my energy to heal others, who’s left to heal me? I pour my soul into the healing of another human being and yet when I looked to you for a little affection a little indication that maybe you can give me a piece of what I so long for, you leave me disappointed.
You who walks like you own those around you, as though you have something superior to them all, when in reality you are just as lost as I am. You think you can hide it behind those shadowed blue eyes that you excel at making look strong and empty. You think that it will keep you from experiencing pain? I think you hide behind a mask of anger to keep people from knowing just how alone you are. You express yourself through cryptic messages almost as though you’re begging people to see you, the real you. The thing is, they don’t and they never will. Not through these one lined messages you post on a social network people use to escape reality. Though for you that message is a small indication of what your reality looks like and yet not enough for people to really truly understand what lies beneath your façade.
Isn’t that interesting? I let people in too much and you don’t let them in at all. You don’t allow them to touch your soul for fear of pain and I allow everyone a piece of myself, which chips away each time someone comes in a little too deeply. Neither are any better than the other but both keep us from the happiness we deserve. Why do you allow yourself to remain so unhappy? Almost as though if you keep yourself in this state, so you can remain in control of yourself and your emotions. The thing is I know you’re attracted to me. I know that we have something good, but somehow you’re missing the big picture when you communicate your lack of desire for a relationship. I could rid you of that anger, I could rid you of that wall you build to protect yourself. But you chose to look the other way, you chose to move towards a what was already a once failed relationship all the while silently turning your back to me.
I hold no ill feelings towards you….or at least I try not to. I get it, it’s much easier to pick what ‘s been so familiar. It’s easier to look at a person who’s eyes you’ve stared into many times before. But what I cant get rid of is the feeling of “why not me” why could you not choose something new, something different? As I look deeper into those thoughts as I analyse the very origin of those thoughts, I begin to realize my heart feels empty, hollow, void of the affection I so long to feel
The difference is while you turn your back on what would be a leap of faith, while you continue to claim you have no faith, again a means of protecting yourself, mine grows by the moment. I know that along side my footprints in life are His, what do you have? That mask. I hope that mask keeps you warm at night, I hope that protective layer you put up in front of yourself protects you from whatever it I you fear.