Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Close Enough To Start a War, All That I have is On The Floor

Who am i?
Isnt that a loaded question? Who am I? Well…what can I say I am…for some reason my first thought was “lost.” Which leads to the sharing of my recent self discoveries. I know who i am, in fact i know myself better now than i have in the past. However, I believe that road to self discovery is till quite long and winding. I used to be someone who hated who I was and what I thought I represented. Insecurities plagued my mind, and left me searching for external means of validation. Now I feel as though I have a goal, I have a purpose and somehow I feel as though I’m closer to attaining my life's purpose.

Have you ever felt like something is so close within your grasp and somehow it's just too far to touch? That's how i currently feel, the problem is i have only the faintest idea what it is i'm reaching for. Maybe self acceptance? I was taking a walk the other night and looking up at the stars. It was so interesting to look and only see a select few. I began to wonder what it was about those stars that seemed strong enough penetrate through the atmosphere of our world? Even in a city cast so full of lights, these individual balls of candescence shine so strongly that a person can see them from any street, any rooftop, anywhere on earth. People look to them for guidance, people wish on them, when lost just look for the North Star and you'll find your way home.

Sometimes i look up and wonder what it takes to be that star. What do i need to do shine that brightly? How can I ensure my place in life? So many thoughts on my mind I find it difficult to focus on just one. I feel lost as of late. I feel as though my instincts are deceiving me, playing tricks on me and I'm so unsure as to what I should believe. On one hand i feel as though this soliloquy that ruminates daily through my mind is the only truth i should listen to, but are my personal thoughts truly that accurate? I feel like i know myself, i feel like i love myself and yet somehow a cloud of doubt still lingers within me.

I recently the target of this huge fight with several of my friends. All of which had incredibly negative things to say about me. They attacked me mercilessly and as each one shot a bullet of words i felt a piece of myself break into shards on the floor. Then they left me, and all i had were those tiny little morsels of my soul scattered around me like broken glass. For days i held on to those pieces, hoping somehow I could place them back together. I think that's when the greatest realization came. I don't have to. Maybe this was a sign that it's time to rebuild and weld new pieces, but i'm not a patient person however and i'm in a hurry to get on with life. It seems like those fragments of myself were so quick to shatter and fall and i just don't understand why it has to take so damn long to heal and grow and just move the hell on. I just wanna yell at these people. YOU broke me YOU attacked me, YOU made me feel like i had lost control over everything. Now I'M left to start over? How is that fair? Do you know how difficult it was for me to FINALLY love myself and in one fell swoop, you destroyed what was already so fragile. Even the most solid thoughts in my mind, even what i felt most confident about, they left cracks in. I hate them for it.....I hate myself for it. Sometimes i wonder why i'm so quick to move to self deprecating thoughts.

As a member of a collective that runs a sexual assault support line i was so solid, so sure in my beliefs that i was a good Support Worker and i'm not so sure at all. One person was all it person to tell me i'm not, for various reasons of her own and i soaked it all up. Such an integral part of my heart and i just watched as that crack seeped it's way through my heart and broke it.

Maybe i needed this. Maybe i needed to break so i could truly be whole. Maybe next time someone tries to break me i'll be able to stand up against the poison arrows. As Adele said: "Next time i'll be braver i'll be my own saviour, standing on my own two feet" How that song seems to ring so true to how I feel lately. Tomorrow is another day and as i place these new pieces where the old ones fell out i'll be sure to make them stronger, more durable. So one day i'll be able to believe that i'm someone special, that i'm worth fighting for. Even if i'm not all that sure right now. I know i will be. In the mean time there are people who love me as I am. Even as this crazy, insecure, unsure individual. But i'm ready to grow and though it'll take time, the foundation i build this time will be stronger

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