tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77685701397800442972024-03-14T05:45:44.458-04:00A Story Of Growth and ReflectionLeilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-41488910704052929412012-11-04T22:11:00.000-05:002012-11-05T08:13:45.088-05:00New Beginnings <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1N06rAe4k_c/UJcwueZ2HDI/AAAAAAAAANg/hQeM0EN3SMY/s1600/new+beginnings.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1N06rAe4k_c/UJcwueZ2HDI/AAAAAAAAANg/hQeM0EN3SMY/s320/new+beginnings.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-language: #0400;">I know I haven't posted for a while but I fully intend
to keep blogging, I'm just not sure what I want to write about here. Alot has been going on in my life but i havent been inspired to write about it. I am starting a new job at a homeless shelter though, doing harm reduction work, so i'll try to post here every now and again just to keep you updated. I also want to
let you folks know that I'm collaborating on a new blog with my good friend Barry from <a href="http://life-in-quotations.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Life In Quotations</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-language: #0400;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: X-NONE; mso-fareast-language: #0400;">Our blog <a href="http://live-as-you-are.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">As You Are </a> came about
because we both have a strong interest in some of the most important issues
that people face today. I wanted a space to generally cover the heavier topics
that I tend to deal with in my activism and support work, while he does alot of online support work. This seems to be a great fit and a perfect next step, for both of us. We hope it will become an interactive space
where people can share their stories and experiences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-3252409695071495752012-08-02T09:22:00.000-04:002012-08-02T09:22:03.558-04:00Update<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I know it's been awhile since i've written. In all honesty i was feeling a bit discouraged, not many people visit this blog and those that do, seem to be people that stumble into it following a google hit. That's ok though, i also should take accountability in that I dont put alot of effort into reaching out into the community. So at this point, i'm debating whether to close this blog down and start over with a new blog, stop blogging altogether, or continue with this one and see where it leads me.<br />
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As for an update on my life. I started working 6 weeks ago at the Ottawa Rape Crisis Center, It was only a 6 week contract so i'm done now, but what a wonderful experience to have grown and learned from. I've also completed volunteer training at the Sexual Assault Support Center of Ottawa. I'm trying to find a full time job right now in my field of interest. I want to work with an organisation that supports survivors and works using an anti-oppression model. In other words, a place that empowers survivors to work towards their own healing.<br />
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Life has been going petty well lately. I've had my own ups and downs but knowing that my life is moving forward helps keep me balanced.<br />
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Anyways....that's all there is in terms of updates. I'll keep you posted as to what i plan on doing to this page. Let me know your thoughts!<br />
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<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-88060017648830379842012-05-17T13:23:00.000-04:002012-05-17T13:24:44.723-04:00So sick of bullies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A friend of mine has been harassed recently on campus for being gay. He's gained alot of attention because he's very outspoken about issues he cares deeply about. So in retaliation, apparently having no ability to have a proper discussion around serious issues like racism, abortion, and homophobia, the people he's been having these discussion with (knowns as the campus Conservatives) decided to bully him for being gay. Of course, it's the next logical step right? Cant argue, so let's pick on his sexuality. He's asked me to spread the word far and wide. He's gone to the media, and really trying to get people to take notice of this issue, so I'm posting it here.<br />
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I've noticed alot of people have been popping in to read. Leave a comment if you feel comfortable :) Support for such a beautiful individual like Arün, is always welcome.<br />
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Here's his story:<br />
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http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/Canada/Ottawa/1305550861/ID=2235726719<br />
<br />
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2012/05/17/ottawa-police-probe-homophobic-meme.html</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-54115328523200330772012-05-09T22:57:00.001-04:002012-05-09T22:59:10.664-04:00It's Prom season!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Though i'm well out of high school it's an important time for many teens here in Ottawa. I remember how excited i was to go, I had seen it on TV and couldn't wait to experience it in real life. Unfortunately i didn't have enough money for a dress. I was not earning much and had to shop at plus size stores to find a prom dress that fit. The problem was and still is for many, that the vast majority of plus size clothing is quite expensive. A dress that should be about $100 for an average size girl would cost 200-300 or more for a bigger girl.<br />
<br />
As i listened to the radio on my way to school one day I heard an advertisement for Fairy Godmother Ottawa, a non-profit organization that lends out prom desses donated by people in the city. I found a beautiful halter neck, purple dress, that was big and poofy and made me feel pretty. Something that came very rarely for me. They offered me shoes, jewelry, everything i needed to look perfect.<br />
<br />
So here i am several years later, graduating University. This past year i managed to loose 46Lbs. I went down from 206-160 and though my weight loss journey isn't over I <i>am</i> stuck with 4 beautiful dresses I can no longer wear. So i'm paying back the Fairy Godmothers that gave me a dress that, like Cinderella, I could not keep. The only difference is that I didn't have to return the dress at midnight and glass slippers were not part of the deal! I did have to return the dress the following day though, much to my chagrin.<br />
<br />
Here was my prom dress...I still look at it and just love it. I apologize for the bad quality, these are pictures of pictures.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8GdESngof48/T6sd-0WhMpI/AAAAAAAAALw/G2zJFG-s984/s1600/prom1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="356" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8GdESngof48/T6sd-0WhMpI/AAAAAAAAALw/G2zJFG-s984/s400/prom1.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vC6jf0CqRw8/T6stMslKEUI/AAAAAAAAAMM/BVZ-FYJa7L0/s1600/Photo+on+12-05-06+at+2.23+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-vC6jf0CqRw8/T6stMslKEUI/AAAAAAAAAMM/BVZ-FYJa7L0/s400/Photo+on+12-05-06+at+2.23+PM.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I wore this one as the maid of honour at a friend's wedding. For some reason i can't seem to find a picture of myself wearing it at the wedding, so here's me in it today! I thank my armpits for holding it up. I loved this dress because it made me think of Sleeping Beauty, I would dance around my room singing "once upon a dream". Even though I was probably 23 by then I very quickly revered to childhood in a dress that called for it.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sn1XTuwipys/T6nFH7-H4DI/AAAAAAAAAKI/tofghnnhZIs/s1600/blue+dress.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sn1XTuwipys/T6nFH7-H4DI/AAAAAAAAAKI/tofghnnhZIs/s400/blue+dress.png" width="181" /></a></div>
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I wore this for my gr 8 formal. A friend of my mom made it for me. I remember being upset because i wanted it to be poofier....i think i just wanted to look like a princess. I'm starting to see a recurring theme here now that I think about it. What an impact disney has on young kids.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f4SKWRPRvnQ/T6srED8giQI/AAAAAAAAAME/HMVicA2m_Ng/s1600/gr+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="425" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f4SKWRPRvnQ/T6srED8giQI/AAAAAAAAAME/HMVicA2m_Ng/s640/gr+8.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />
This was at some sort of family reunion or party. Here's what it looks like now and how it looked back then.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MlwXLc0WLe0/T6sVrDcIFbI/AAAAAAAAALM/jZUyuevYHKw/s1600/green+dress+big.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MlwXLc0WLe0/T6sVrDcIFbI/AAAAAAAAALM/jZUyuevYHKw/s400/green+dress+big.png" width="256" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DaxQwPQmUek/T6sa6zMlnOI/AAAAAAAAALY/6zQUcRL0rZQ/s1600/Untitled+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DaxQwPQmUek/T6sa6zMlnOI/AAAAAAAAALY/6zQUcRL0rZQ/s400/Untitled+2.png" width="115" /></a></div>
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This was for my birthday 2 years ago, I could only find pictures of me sitting, where you cant see the who dress so here's what it looks like now and what you can see of it from 2 years ago. Because it was a bit small on me at the time, the waist seem to fit now, just a little loose, the breast area is quite big now. I hope some girl out there will enjoy it.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kzeWjeU0ERs/T6nSZy9m3AI/AAAAAAAAALA/sdNf1GZNRXM/s1600/rose+dress+now.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kzeWjeU0ERs/T6nSZy9m3AI/AAAAAAAAALA/sdNf1GZNRXM/s400/rose+dress+now.png" width="190" /></a><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_uoHv3Ecoa0/T6nM3YJinaI/AAAAAAAAAK0/f0Gh89NsM84/s1600/rose+dress.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_uoHv3Ecoa0/T6nM3YJinaI/AAAAAAAAAK0/f0Gh89NsM84/s200/rose+dress.png" width="185" /></a></div>
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<br />
It's great to clean out my closet, it's definitely an ego boost to see the weight i've lost, but just imagining some young girl here in the city feeling down about her size, as I always did, and even just for one night making her feel pretty, it's a good feeling.<br />
<br />
<br />
If you happen to live in the Ottawa area or maybe are able to ship some clothes to a Brown's location, or if you just want to learn more about the organization here's the link.<br />
http://www.brownscleaners.ca/fairygodmother/whoweare.htm</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-51725564622442584322012-04-10T03:34:00.000-04:002012-04-10T09:36:13.107-04:00Everything is happening and Yet Nothing...The Conundrum that is my Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://www.wienholdportraits-fineart.com/777ebaytree.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.wienholdportraits-fineart.com/777ebaytree.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I know it's been a while sine i've written. I am feeling better but i'm also quite busy. It's almost 3:00am here and i cant sleep. I laid in bed for about an hour until i couldn't take it anymore and decided to spend some time on the internet, so I thought i'd write. In the meantime I got a text from a friend who also couldn't sleep, which turned in to an entire conversation, which turned into support session. I find it funny how i always manage to end up in a space where i'm supporting someone. I have to say, i do love it. What are friends for if we're not there to support each other?<br />
<br />
The Sexual Assault Support Center here in Ottawa has begun training for support workers and although i'm already trained, it's never enough. There's always something i can learn, always a way i can improve my skills and my ability to help people. So I've started training, which runs every Saturday and some Thursdays till June. Once training is complete I will be part of their collective!* I'll be taking shifts on a support line, I'l be doing one on one in person support work, also group sessions, I'll also be accompanying womyn either to court, the police station.... or wherever it is they feel they need someone to be with them.<br />
<br />
I'm so excited and really believe it's what i need to get out of my rutt. Mind you i'm also graduating from University. I got into a program as well in Toronto. (unofficially, I've been told I was accepted but i have to wait for papers) A feminist based counseling program! I'm so elated about that, and think it'll a great way to gain the experience i'm looking for. My dream is to work at a grassroots level, helping sex workers, homeless folks, addicts, runaways....the people society gave up on, look down on, and shame.<br />
<br />
<br />
I digress....I was talking about my life. My life is at a standstill. If it's moving forward i cant quite. Yes the graduation and the counseling program but...it's all going so slow. I can't seem to find a job. Which to be fair is the same song and dance every undergraduate is facing. I wanted to graduate this summer but cant till November because i cant pay off my tuition fast enough, so the university will not allow me to apply for graduation. *Insert rant about the evils of Capitalism* So i'm paying it off one bit at a time.<br />
<br />
<br />
In the meantime my goal is to constantly be working towards self growth. If i can grow as a person, if I can feel like i'm maturing or learning then I can wait a little longer till I find exactly what it is i'm looking for.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
* A collective is an organisation of people working towards a common goal. There's no hierarchy within these kinds of groups.<br />
<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-78571697298130855912012-03-19T23:02:00.001-04:002012-03-19T23:08:05.422-04:00Goodbye My Friend<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I hate you. I hate you because I loved you, because I trusted you, because you were supposed to be my friend. In the end you allowed your pride to get in the way. I know I made mistakes, but nothing is unforgivable. At least not the things I would ever be capable of. I'm sorry you couldn't work through your own self pity to realize I was there for you. I was always there for you. I was a real friend. But, like everyone has before you, you chose to walk away and blame it on me. <br />
<br />
Well you know what? It's not about me anymore. It's not about me not being worth it. It's about you. You're no longer worth my time, my thoughts, my energy. This is my goodbye. This is my good riddance.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>It's not me It's you.</i></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-20433294688142045412012-03-19T16:07:00.000-04:002012-03-19T23:21:16.206-04:00Never enough pt.2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Spot stained hands<br />
From sins of the past<br />
Feet torn appart<br />
From pacing holes<br />
In this home's wooden floors<br />
<br />
Worn down<br />
Torn out<br />
Emptied<br />
From the back and forth motions that refused to take rest<br />
<br />
Holes burned in my heart<br />
Pathways carved in my brain<br />
From the repetitive thought pattern<br />
Of the why's and why not's<br />
<br />
Fingers can't catch up<br />
To the the mental gymnastics<br />
<br />
Of the..<br />
Why do you hate me?<br />
Why cant we go back?<br />
And the...<br />
Why can't I fix it?<br />
What did I do?<br />
<br />
The cerebral ruminations...<br />
Such a bad friend<br />
Such a bad person<br />
Such a terrible human being<br />
<br />
Is it you or me?<br />
Where are the answers?<br />
<br />
Tears won't desist<br />
As they fill a bitter taste in my mouth<br />
Not for an hour so I can rest<br />
Not a minute so I can think<br />
Not for a second so I can breathe<br />
<br />
Why<br />
am I<br />
NEVER enough..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-4972458732595794092012-03-19T13:41:00.001-04:002012-03-19T23:22:09.507-04:00Never Enough<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The wall around this heart of mine grows<br />
As the organ used for loving breaks.<br />
Yet another soul walks away<br />
They all will eventually<br />
No one stays<br />
No one stay<br />
No one...<br />
<br />
Been crying<br />
Been sobbing<br />
Heart wrenching<br />
Stomach hurting,<br />
Unbearably sobbing<br />
<br />
So easy it was, for you to walk<br />
For you to leave<br />
Me<br />
For you turn your back<br />
On what once was<br />
<br />
Leaving the country<br />
The continent<br />
This friendship behind<br />
Why won't you even try?<br />
<br />
Why wasn't I worth it?<br />
Why am I never worth it?<br />
Will anyone ever fight for me?<br />
To keep me<br />
To love me<br />
<br />
Four attempts at contact<br />
Four attempts at mending<br />
What ripped and tore and broke<br />
In the end you broke me.<br />
I'm done. </div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-90985792652296924392012-03-05T23:37:00.000-05:002012-03-07T22:40:13.621-05:00Al-Anon<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
(I apologize in advance for how long this post is)<br />
<br />
A friend of mine has been facing many hurdles with the abuse of drugs and alcohol. As I've been working towards helping her seek peace with those issues, many of my own memories have been flooding back. She recently asked me to find her some AA meetings in the area, and asked that I go with her. This eventually lead me to look up Al-Anon meetings for myself.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Al-anon or Alateen<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> is a group that runs off Alchoholics anonymous, for families, friends, neighbours co-workers etc. of alcoholics. Anyone that feels they have been affected by someone's addictions. Nar-anon<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">* </span>works the same way but for families and children of drug addicts. Though as i child i did witness the use of opiets, it's not somethingI feel was prevalent or really affected my life.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So i went to the Al-Anon website and found this set of questions, and i could hardly believe how many of them fit me. It began with "T<span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">he following questions may help you determine if Al-Anon is for you." To be honest the number of questions that related to me was shocking. </span>I just wanted to take a moment to share them with you folks. </div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #999999;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation? </span></b><br />
Always. It drives me crazy but i just need the people in my life to constantly show interest in me, to show me that i'm important in their lives and that i matter.</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments</span></b></div>
<div>
It's not so much that I fail to recognize them but that I never feel like i've done enough or what i've done is good enough.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you fear criticism?</span></b></div>
<div>
Not that i fear it but i do think there's a certain tone people should take when criticizing. Though I'm still a bit sensitive to it, I used to be much worse. I prefer someone tell me the truth and it hurt a bit than lie to me to spare my feelings.</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you overextend yourself?</span></b></div>
<div>
HA! Who knew this was a symptom of the child of an addict? Let's see as of right now i'm in the Vagina Monologues, Run a center on campus for Mature and Part Time students, I'm a support worker, i'm organizing several events on campus, and i'll be starting training with Planned Parenthood, Sexual Assault Support Center of Ottawa and that's just the beginning of my commitments, because i still want to add more!!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Have you had problems with your own compulsive behaviour?</span></b></div>
<div>
I dont think so...unless procrastination counts as a compulsion. I also avoid things that stress me out.</div>
<div>
<br />
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you have a need for perfection?</span></b></div>
<div>
In little ways, i get frustrated quickly when things aren't going as smoothly as i want them to. Or if i dont feel like i'll get the results out of something that I want to do, i'll avoid it. For example, i'll avoid studying for an exam because i'm so afraid i won't be able to retain the information.</div>
<div>
<b><br /><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?</span></b></div>
<div>
Yes. Even when things are going well, I anticipate the worst.</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #999999;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?</span></b></div>
<div>
I do feel like i can get more accomplished under pressure. I wouldn't go as far as saying I feel more alive in crisis....just more alive when i have a lot on my plate.</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?</span></b></div>
<div>
I would say I do. I feel like it's my job to stop someone from drinking, I feel like if a friend of mine drank because i wasn't there to hang out with her, it is my fault. I should have been there.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?</span></b></div>
<div>
What makes me happiest in life is making others happy. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing i've helped someone. When it comes to myself, I show little empathy. People keep telling me how strange they find it, the amount of energy I'll put into bettering others but how little I put into myself.</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you isolate yourself from other people?</span></b></div>
<div>
I think, often i do. To a lot of people it seems like i'm very social, that i'm surrounded by people. But the truth of the matter is, they know very little about me. I distance myself from people in hopes that they'll make the effort to become closer to me. I also distance myself from people so that i can reject them before they reject me.</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #999999;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?</span></b></div>
<div>
I'll go with no on this question. In fact i'm the exact opposite i defy authority. Alright there's one no so far...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?</span></b></div>
<div>
People take advantage of me all the time. People know that i will very literally give you the shirt off my back if i think it'll help you, and I think sometimes others think it's ok to push that kindness to it's limit.</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?</span></b></div>
<div>
I don't really date, it takes alot for men to get close to me, because I don't trust them. I'm afraid of being too dependent on someone else. I know when I love someone whether intimately or in a friendly capacity, I do rely on them as a support system. I think i do so quite heavily without realizing it. So my biggest fear is loving someone too much. It's a terrifying concept for me, because...again they might leave, and then i'd have lost my heart to someone who walked away.</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?</span></b></div>
<div>
hmm... I dont think so. Hey look another no!</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and/or abusive?</span></b></div>
<div>
No but i do tend to attract wounded souls. Or people that need me, people that potentially abuse themselves. Reason being, i know i can help them, these are one of the few people I put pretty much all of myself into.</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?</span></b></div>
<div>
I'd have to ask my friends that. I dont think i'm clingy...but who knows.... I think i'm just someone who craves a lot of love and affection, because i'm always so afraid it'll slip. Maybe sometimes i'm a little too much?</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?</span></b></div>
<div>
<u>All.</u> <u>The.</u> <u>Time</u>. I always second guess myself, particularly when I feel like i can trust someone. What if I'm wrong? What if they're lying? What if they just feel what way today but tomorrow they wont? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?</span></b></div>
<div>
I know how I feel. I'm a generally emotional person. I hate letting on exactly how I feel. Though, as a support worker i very much give people the space to do so themselves, I can't seem to feel safe enough to express my emotions to others without later feeling ashamed, or feeling like they might be judging me or get annoyed at how emotional I am.</div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #999999;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Do you think someone’s drinking may have affected you?</span></b></div>
<div>
Looking at these questions, and my answers, I guess so...<br />
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>If you or someone you know is looking for AA/NA or Al-Anon/ Nar-anon meetings in your area, please feel free to check out these websites:<br />AL-ANON: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>AA: http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html</b></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>http://www.na.org/</b></span></div>
</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-22231700875242645922012-03-03T22:59:00.000-05:002012-03-03T22:59:12.441-05:00Thought i'd share<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There's so much that's absolutely beautiful about this picture and empowering. Makes me think that for anything i may be feeling, any negativity that may be stuck within me, there are amazing survivors like this one.<br />
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<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-17866144145845858062012-02-28T11:40:00.001-05:002012-03-03T10:25:30.808-05:00Got some demons to chase<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I sit here, alone in my room, with nothing but the sound of the outside's cold winds to keep me company. A nagging voice sits in the back of my mind. One that's been speaking quite loudly as of late. You are not loved. You are alone. Though I know there are people that may contest this, life has shown me that thoughts that float in my mind, do so with the utmost accuracy. You may tell me you love me today, you may say that our friendship is forever but the truth of the matter is, one day you will walk away.<br />
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These demons that lay dormant within me for periods of time rear their ugly heads every now and again and haunt my soul. "You're not good enough" They whisper in my ear. "No one really loves you all that much" Somehow I believe them.<br />
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I'm working on it, every day is a little better than the next. Hopefully someday I can look back on these posts and say to myself. You were loved, you were always loved. Not only are you good enough but you're better than you ever expected you would be.</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-9766345752592106262012-02-22T01:55:00.000-05:002012-02-22T01:58:17.254-05:00It's not Just About Chris Brown and Rihanna, It's About so Much More Than That.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It may seem silly to rant about this. I know I said I would delve a little more into my personal life and maybe this does affect me because there are elements to this, that I feel are personal. Rihanna and Chris Brown are performing a duet. The first thing that came to mind when I found out about this was, are you serious? I saw it all over Facebook and had to google it because I honestly thought it may have been a prank or a joke or something.<br />
<br />
I dont get it, and for some reason I take this to heart. Why is it ok for violence to happen within a relationship? Why is it ok that this man beat his girlfriend to the point where bruises covered her face?<br />
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Why has Chris Brown come back on top when he did this to another human being?<br />
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My mother had this face. My mother carried these bruises. Maybe not to the degree these pictures show but she certainly faced abuse at the hands of a man who promised in front of God and the state, to love and cherish her. I remember my mom constantly having to face my father when I was a child, I remember having to sit in a room and play with my little sister or hold her while i heard screaming and yelling and crying and hitting in the other room. I remember closing my eyes and hearing something break, wondering, what did he break this time? I remember standing and watching because he'd yell at me when my mother told me to go to my room, and feeling helpless because I was never able to do anything.<br />
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I was recently asked by a very close person to me what kind of a kid I was, and after some thought I remembered. I was an extremely insecure child, I was lonely, I felt ugly and fat, and never good enough. I still feel many of those things today. Not all the time, I've worked very hard to grow past that, but old wounds are some of the hardest to heal.<br />
<br />
Forever I felt like i didn't fit in with people my age, that I was an adult living inside the body of a child, of a teen. I hated myself and everyone could see it but me. I lived that way because of abuse. I felt that way because I never had a safe place to go, except my very vivid imagination. My home was filled with turmoil, therefore I was too. I couldn't forgive myself for never having been good enough. Good enough to stop him from drinking, from hitting, from very nearly killing my mom. To be honest I sometimes think he couldn't forgive himself either.<br />
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He's sober now and has done many things to make up for those years. He lives and breathes to take care of my sister and I. He's the kind of dad who'll read my 3rd year advanced stats textbook, because I cant do math to save my life. He'll drive 4-5 hours from Ottawa to Toronto every weekend for a month, so my sister can take a class that will guarantee her to pass her Nursing licence exam. He drives my mother anywhere and picks her up, because she's honestly a terrible driver. Seriously, her friends tell her they're afraid of her driving. Rather than risk her getting into an accident he'll do the work. He's a wonderful father whom I love dearly, even though we disagree on God knows how many topics. I dont want this post to be about making my life out to seem like it was tragic. Like every other human being on this planet, I've had ups and downs.<br />
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All I'm trying to say is that abuse happens to more than the people physically involved in the cycle. Children everywhere see this, and the media's unbelievably positive spin on it and think, my idol Chris Brown raised his hand to his girlfriend, his partner. He's rich, good looking, very talented, why not hit me too? So you get tweets like this:<br />
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This is what happens when we dont talk about the long lasting effects of abuse. When we don't educate our children and tell them that abuse is about much more than the physical wounds one has to bear. It's about the long lasting, heart wrenching pain someone suffers when their wounds have healed but their souls haven't. It's about a little girl or a little boy like the kid I was, who felt so alone. Will seeing something like this normalize the behaviours? Will it make them think it's ok to hit and be hit? I can only hope not. So here we are, these are my thoughts on the lastest celebrity gossip. I think out of it came one of my most personal post yet.<br />
<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-7702197844352441312012-02-19T03:30:00.000-05:002012-02-22T19:00:51.879-05:00I remember...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm sorry it's taken me forever to write. Life has such a way of grabbing you by the hand and saying Let's go! I'll write more soon enough but I wanted to share something I wrote for myself recently. I've been taking this poetry class and one of the things we were asked to write about was a memory, specifically one from childhood. We were given examples of your mother baking cookies, or reading you stories. I did have a few of those but some of the most vivid memories of my childhood were not those happy ones, they from my dad who was an alcoholic. When he drank he was very violent, so here's what came of that poem. It's nothing amazing as i'm just getting into the rhythm but tell me what you think....<br />
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<br />
I remember...<br />
Eyes so smooth and glossy<br />
So full of heat and anger<br />
A face so seemingly familiar<br />
Yet not all the face of a man I thought I knew<br />
<br />
I remember...<br />
The stranger that barged his way<br />
Into my home<br />
Into my childhood<br />
Into my safe spaces<br />
A face so red and flushed<br />
Like hot and angry molten lava coursed through those inner veins<br />
Bitterness forming the unfamiliarity that haunted this body<br />
<br />
I remember....<br />
Lips that refused to hold a once affable smile<br />
Breath that left the bitter, lingering damp smell of whiskey in the air<br />
Eyes heated in a raging anger,<br />
Long gone the soft smiling eyes of yesterday<br />
<br />
I remember...<br />
Heavy hands cast onto a body that refused them<br />
Hands raised in fury<br />
Pounding fists into a body once promised to be cherished till death<br />
Broken souls revealed on broken bodies<br />
Hues of reds, blues and purples<br />
<br />
I remember...<br />
The shattering of objects that once were<br />
Items that once held shape and meaning<br />
broken into small shards on a wall that held the dark secrets of that home<br />
<br />
I remember...<br />
A dark room, closed eyes<br />
The sounds of a young girl's deafening heart beat<br />
Though nothing could stifle the screams penetrating the doors of that space<br />
I remember falling asleep to the sounds of violence.<br />
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<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-33222707341244336192012-01-22T11:50:00.003-05:002012-01-22T22:23:50.386-05:00It's just emotion taking me over<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nO7OhmbTfnc/Txw3YgLDkdI/AAAAAAAAAHA/whzD_WiOPHw/s1600/Don__t_Argue__by_Snuffalupagas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nO7OhmbTfnc/Txw3YgLDkdI/AAAAAAAAAHA/whzD_WiOPHw/s320/Don__t_Argue__by_Snuffalupagas.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
It's taken me a few weeks to write anything, mainly because I've been busy. Between school, work, and activism, It's been difficult to keep up. I also haven't been able to think of anything to write. But I thought I would write about this and see where it takes me; I haven't been feeling myself lately. I've been sensitive and moody, and quite sad for some reason. I'm not sure why or what brought this on, I'm usually quite happy. It's like staring out a window into a world that should be bright and full of possibilites but seeing nothing. I'm not like this every day, but it does leave me to wonder if maybe I'm driving people away by being too emotional.<br />
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I fought with a friend tonight over something so trivial it's barely worth mentioning. We were discussing the merits of test taking. I'm against them, I feel as though throwing a paper in front of a student and asking them to regurgitate everything they've learned within an increment of time is simply wrong. She says that there is no other way and that we simply dont have the money to accomodate every learning style. What a silly thing to argue over, to test or not to test. Yet somehow it became a battle of the whits; who could prove their point more thoroughly, more quickly, who could speak over the other louder. It was ridiculous.<br />
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She said I always sound like I want to win the argument and that I bulldoze over her anytime her opinion differs slightly from mine. I told her that she did the very same thing to me and that even when i'm simply having a discussion, she assumes i'm being competitive. I told her that I felt we've only begun to fight like this within the last few months. She took that to mean it was her fault we continuously fight. She went on to say that she doesn't fight with anyone else like this and proceeded to list off several mutual friends. One of whom, in all honesty I have been feeling a little jealous over, possibly because this person is a friend I had introduced her to. Last year we fought, and though we've since made up, our friendship has never been the same. She since has become close with that person, and I cant tell you how it hurt to be compared to the very person you fear will take your place. I did tell her it was unfair to be compared to her other friends and she agreed and apologized for that part of it.<br />
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Is it me? Have my resurfaced feelings of insecurity completely taken over my ability to to disagree with people? That can't be right, i just had a conversation the other day with someone who felt that womyn should not have the right to abort an unwanted fetus. We talked for hours and in the end, he said "why cant the pro-choice/pro-life debate always be like this?" So I must have been doing something right. Nothing can become a more heated debate than whether or not life begins at conception and if abortion should be legal. (Which, in Canada it is.)<br />
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I digress, back to the original topic at hand. She said that when we talk, it's as though I'm so competitive that i must win every argument. But I've tried walking away, she says she doesn't like ending conversations that way. I'm certain we're both wrong, arguments are rarely one sided. But how do I fix this? We both agreed to spend the next few days thinking about what we could do differently and what we have been doing to create this atmosphere with one another. She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, I said I didn't want to lose her either.<br /><br />
I know it's just a matter of time and with space we'll both be fine. But there are times when i wish life's road would be a little smoother.</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-55071373825975095012012-01-02T16:35:00.002-05:002012-01-03T19:31:58.940-05:00What Once Was and What is Yet to Come<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My friend Farron and I on NYE</td></tr>
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Of course as the year ends and this new one begins, why not start with the standard review of the year passed and the one to come. What a year it's been for me. A friend of mine once told me that I'm not someone who grows slowly and gradually, I remain stagnant for periods of time and then experience very quick and steep periods of growth. I can tell you this entire year has certainly been one of growth. I began last year depressed and not understanding my place in this world. I felt as though I had been searching for a way in which to make my mark. I think I'm beging to find it in this blog, and in my activism.<br />
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Ah my activism....how I've adored being so incredibly involved in my local and global community. I love fighting to make this world a better place. I know that as I live and breathe my goal is to ensure that I am always there for those in need, to listen, empathize, validate, and to give advice when needed. For those that have been reading this blog, I'm sure you know by now that my focus has been mainly on womyn, womyn identified, transsexual/gender folks, as well as anyone else that has ever felt oppressed or isolated.<br />
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I've learned this year
that the hate isn't confined to specific situations, and certain people, it's
prevalent even amongst the most surprising communities. Born female, a beautiful friend of
mine, "D”, recently began to identify as androgynous. As D’s politics began to shift and grow, I watched as she was shunned
within feminist communities for not being female enough. I
was incredibly saddened to experience first hand, as I defended
this person, the discrimination and ignorance D faces daily, based solely on the fact that she
changed her first name, and pronouns from "she" to "they"
or if you like, D allows us to use "he", "she", or "they" preferably interchangeably...yes i know it's confusing but I love this
person dearly for the choices she's made. <span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Love..well that is certainly something I've experienced in the last year, I've written about <a href="http://leilanavab.blogspot.com/2011/08/close-enough-to-start-war-all-that-i_13.html" target="_blank">the loss of friends that once loved me </a> and the absolute despair i felt after people who had been with me since childhood chose to walk away. It's incredible how shattered I felt and how difficult it was to see those morsels of my spirits scattered around me like shards of broken glass. Though I've fallen in my life more times than i care to think of, a good friend sent me this "Falling down is part of life…Getting back up is part of living" and so i picked myself back up, put back together those pieces and <a href="http://leilanavab.blogspot.com/2011/08/im-no-beauty-queen-im-just-beautiful-me.html" target="_blank">began to learn to love myself</a> more truly and deeply. I grew not only in my self love but in my <a href="http://leilanavab.blogspot.com/2011/08/you-can-always-tell-when-allah.html" target="_blank">love for God</a> and the feeling of utter tranquility in the knowledge of that existence. This process of self growth has been incredibly positive even gave me the confidence <a href="http://leilanavab.blogspot.com/2011/09/im-not-perfect-but.html" target="_blank">put myself out there</a> a little.<br />
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Everything happens for a reason and I know now that the loss of those friends had to happen or I would have never met some of the most wonderful people I know today. People who have given me the space to heal in many ways, by being an ear (or a set of eyes in the case of an email or text) by providing me with sanctuary, by loving me and believing in me, and never letting me down. For that I am nothing but grateful. Life has given me the opportunity to make some very fruitful lemonade from the lemons I once held in my hands.<br />
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I guess what I look to in the new year, is for this growth to continue. For my goal of helping and supporting others in need, to evolve and reach new heights. I hope for this blog to grow as I do. I've written several posts pertaining to my politics as of late but I do wish to delve back into the personal as well. I began this blog two years ago as a means of communicating with a friend of mine, in the last several months I began to feel that I wanted to increase the visibility of this blog and I hope that 2012 bring more people to this place, new faces to meet, and new stories to read, new ways to grow, learn, and reflect.<br />
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Happy New Year, folks!<br />
<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-59371380446540712492011-12-19T14:16:00.002-05:002011-12-28T14:16:18.945-05:00Real Men Do Rape<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="text-align: center;">We believe this notion that:</span><br />
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But after reading this expert from Something Kate Harding (co-author of Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body) posted.... I think on her blog....maybe she's right in saying "real men do rape." Thoughts?"<br />
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"So here's a message to some of the men out there who as they're reading this may be thinking, but i'm not that guy, I've never raped a womon, i've never made fun of one, i've never called one names. But have you ever sat back silently while someone else did? This message is for you:</div>
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“Cause’ the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I’d-hit-that and you just can’t reason with them and you can’t live with ‘em can’t shoot ‘em and she’s obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can’t stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can’t play by the rules they don’t belong here and if they can’t take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they’re only good for fucking and cleaning and they’re not fit to be leaders and they’re too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they’d just stop overreacting and telling themselves they’re victims they’d realize they actually have… all the power in this society and white men aren’t even allowed to do anything anymore and and and…<br />
<br />
I get that you don’t really mean that shit. I get that you’re just talking out your ass.<br />
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But please listen, and please trust me on this one: you have probably, at some point in your life, engaged in that kind of talk with a man who really, truly hates women–to the extent of having beaten and/or raped at least one. And you probably didn’t know which one he was.<br />
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And that guy? Thought you were on his side.”<br />
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-Kate Harding</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-45354213867385992512011-12-13T00:34:00.001-05:002011-12-13T00:34:55.874-05:00What do you think?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I saw this video today, a friend of mine found it funny. I don't know... am i being overly critical in feeling like this is Slut Shaming? Just as a quick definition Slut Shaming is the act of ridiculing a woman for having several sexual partners, having one night stands, and generally acting on sexual urges. "It’s about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior” (Alon Levy, Slut Shaming)<br />
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Check out this video.....do you think this falls into that category?<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #555555; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-47517277158877146442011-12-12T00:12:00.024-05:002012-01-03T02:35:05.301-05:00December 6th 2011 Let us Always Cherish our Lives...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">This day is an important one to me and I wanted to take some time to share it with you all.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">On December 6th 1989. 22 years ago, Mark Lepine walked through the halls of École Polytechnique, a Univesity in Montreal Quebec, and opened gunshot on the students. Enraged that he had been rejected from the Engineering program, he stalked the hallways ready to fire when necessary. He walked into a classroom and demanded that the men and women be separated by sex into two lines and asked the men to leave the room.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">"I am fighting Feminism"</span><br />
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He shot 6 of them from right to left and continued through the hallway where he proceeded to walk through the rest of the school, targeting womyn in his rampage. He entered another classroom and shot and killed another 8 womyn. In total he killed 14 womyn, injured another 10, and injured 4 men, before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide.<br />
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Every year on this day we commemorate the deaths of these young womyn and remember others who've died at the hands of violence. I think what i carry the most in remembrance of December 6th is the structural violence people of all genders face, and the hatred that some people carry on a daily basis. We live in a world that teaches us to hate, that teaches us that for one reason or another if you don't conform to certain standards set by society, you dont deserve to be a part of it.<br />
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I was involved in organizing the city wide vigil this year and about a hundred people came to morn with us. They gathered to Ottawa's Women's monument, to share a moment of silence for the 14 womyn that died at École Polytechnique.<br />
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Police came in uniform. It always pleases me to see police officers coming to take part in a night like this. Particularly knowing the way the justice system treats issues of violence against women.</div>
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A group of native womyn held pictures of their missing or murdered loved ones as a choir sang a song of remembrance. There are over 500 missing and murdered aboriginal womyn in Canada today. Let us remember that this land once belonged to them, and was stolen from them.<br />
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We began to name the women that had died all over Ontario this year. As each name was read out loud, along with a small story about who they were, a rose was placed at the base of the Women's Monument to represent each of those lives lost.</div>
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</a>A native woman started to spread something around base of the monument where the lanterns and flowers were placed. I just stood and silently wondered what she was doing.<br />
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Soon after, I ran up to her and asked what it was she had scattered. She told me it was tabacco. Apparently tabacco is sacred plant to the Aboriginal tribes of Ontario. She told me that the roots of a tabacco plant run deep into the ground but the smoke, once burned can rises into the sky, making its way to the heavens, therefore connecting those on earth to people in the afterlife.<br />
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As the night came to an end, everyone made their way home, ready to end the night in a nice warm bed. I went to bed grateful to be alive, grateful to be fighting this battle for equality, grateful to have never faced such extreme violence in my life. Most of all, i was grateful to know there are people out there who love me, know me, treasure me. While my life is far from a perfect one, on Dec 6th every year i'll be thankful to be alive.<br />
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<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-11010110932631441862011-12-06T10:15:00.001-05:002011-12-06T10:29:30.460-05:00National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm going to write a longer post about this with more context to the meaning of this day but for the moment for all the Candians out there and even those who are not Canadian. Please light a candle or have a moment of silence to remember the 14 womyn that we massacred at École Polytechnique on December 6th 1989.<br />
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Genevieve Beregron, 21 years old<br />
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Helene Colgan, 23</div>
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Nathalie Croteau, 23</div>
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Anne-Marie Edward, 21</div>
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Michelle Richard 21</div>
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Annie Turcotte 21; </div>
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Barbara Daigneault 22</div>
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Anne-Marie Lemay, 22;</div>
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Maryse Laganiere, 25 </div>
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Sonia Pelletier, 28;</div>
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Maud Haviernick, 29; </div>
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Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31.<br />
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May you all rest in peace. Know that we remember you every year on this day and your death was not in vain.</div>
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</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-10048148711652282052011-11-21T20:49:00.001-05:002011-11-27T23:59:25.768-05:00Well ya like to bring me down, don't you? But I ain't laying down, Baby I ain't join' down.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">Credit: Title Mr.Know it all. Kelly Clarkson</span></div>
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I'm not often triggered and as a support worker, I pride myself on keeping level headed in many situations, but every now and again something slips through the building blocks i've created to get here. Several months ago, due to a train wreck of events I found myself feeling broken . If you read some of my older posts you'll understand. People i called my friends walked away, some I had known for a lifetime others, i had met within the year.<br />
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Unfortunately it didn't end at simply walking away. They began to spread rumours about me, they told people lies that admittedly they may have thought to be the truth. But not one of them or the people they subsequently spoke to, came to me. Not even one asked me if the words that were spread about me were true. In fact when i wrote these people asking them...no begging them to explain to me what i had done wrong, i received nothing in return. They decided to play the game we as womyn are socialized to play. The gossip game. I was never told directly, they told people namely my family, several other friends, who then told me. I spent days crying...sobbing, feeling so alone I didn't know what to do with myself. People have left me before, friends have vanished, people who have promised to be around for life have turned their backs on me. But this mass exodus was more than i could take.<br />
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Just when i thought it couldn't get worse, one of the womyn, attacked a piece of me i had held so sacred I had always assumed nothing could touch it. She told me and the organization i volunteer for that i was an inadequate support worker, that I had broken confidentiality, that i was not fit to continue support work. She went through all my connections and did her absolute best to destroy my image as well as that of the Collective I'm a part of. Weeks went by and couldn't bring myself to get back on that Support Line, or attend any of the workshops i had organized. I was supposed to facilitate a workshop on how to support a friend but was asked by members of the collective if someone else could facilitate because there was a possibility this person might attend. In short she made my life as close to a reflection of hell as she could. Eventually she moved out of the city and I was glad to see her go.<br />
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I guess what hurt me the most was her attack my skills as a support worker. She said that I was awful at this that, she didn't feel supported at all when I was with her, that I was not fit to continue this work. My goal in life is and always has been to help people. To help them find their way through tough times and even through happy times. I've always thought myself to have good shoulders to lean on when someone needed support. All my life I've known that I want to be a person that others could reply on when life became rough, when roads got rocky, and when battling things they may not feel they can conquer alone. When that person said, in so many words, that I wasn't at all who i thought i was. Somehow it very quickly cut through me, it's taken me a few months to re-build that confidence, but here i am today feeling better about life than i have in a long time.<br />
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It recently came to my attention that she would be interviewed for a position with yet another organization I work for. Here i was thinking i'd never have to hear her name again, but of course life has this funny way of keeping me on my toes. A friend of mine told me he was recommending her for the same postion I currently hold, that will be ending in December. The problem is, that I will still be very involved with the this organization and would more than likely run into her on a regular basis.<br />
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As soon as i heard her name my breath caught in my throat, my heart began to pound so quickly and so hard it hurt. My hands began to shake uncontrollably, i felt like something was sitting on my chest keeping my lungs from expanding. My body completely stiffened up. I wasn't very nice to the person who told me. Someone who's actually a pretty good friend of mine. I was curt and angry and just not myself. I told him that i thought she was gone, I was under the impression that she had moved months ago. He explained that she needed a placement...blah blah blah, i really didn't care. All I wanted to know what would she get in my way. I later apologized for my tone, being a support worker himself he understood.<br />
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But this incredible reaction, all at the simple thought of her being in the same city as me, working at the same place I do, being around all the places i regularly attend. The last thing i want is to feel what i did months ago. To go back to being no more than a reflection of who i am now. My friend Scott once told me I have this funny way of growing where i tend to remain stagnant for periods of time and then very rapidly grow over short increments, (think of a staircase) and I think I've recently been through one of those growths. God has recently granted me the ability to gain clarity over everything that happened to me. I've been able to move on peacefully, and look back at that situation with rational thought rather than raw emotion but every now and again these feelings just creep up and surprise me.<br />
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Is it awful that I hate her? Not even hate because the feeling of hate is surrounded by sadness. While the pain has certainly dulled, I'm not ready to face her. To see her even once in a while, would be painful, and just something i'm not willing to face. She's part of a world I used to be in, has a group of friends that used to be mine. They all bonded over hating me, as of course females do. I know I don't wish for things to back to the way they were. I quite enjoy the amazing friends I now have in my life, but at the very least could we be friendly with one another? Is that too much to ask? I hate feeling negatively towards another person, emotions like that just rot in your system till the all those adverse events gather and spread through your soul like a cancerous tumour. i've seen people carry pain with them, i've seen the haunted look that never leave their face. The smiles that never reach their eyes. I don't want that to happen to me and yet, when the thought of this person crosses my mind.<br />
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This post has gotten very long....I tend to babble when i'm feeling a lot. I guess in conclusion, It's been about a week since her name was uttered, since the threat of her presence surfaced. She's being interviewed for that position, she's quite qualified for it. I guess it's all a waiting game now. My friend who told me she was applying promised me that he would ensure my safe space wasn't violated. I'm trusting in that and can only hope to deal with this maturely and rationally.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-42192723071005056382011-11-11T12:14:00.001-05:002011-11-12T07:37:59.962-05:00Lest we forget...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">" In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the
crosses, row on row...".It's remembrance day here in </span><st1:country-region style="font-family: inherit;" w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country-region><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">, a day to remember the men
and womyn who have died for us in war. Though i do morn the death of these
individuals i can't help but feel as though...i guess i'm unsure about using this day to remember soldiers that have </span>fought<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> in past and current wars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Though it is a noble thing to fight for your country, would
it be just as noble to fight a war that we should have never had in the first
place? I think Micheal Moore said it best "We live in fictitious times," he said while receiving the award for best documentary for his 2002 anti-gun film, Bowling for Columbine. "We live in a time with fictitious election results
that elect fictitious presidents. We live in a time when we have a man sending
us to war for fictitious reasons..."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Without getting too deep into the political nature of that
statement i wonder...can i still morn the death of those who died even if i
dont agree with the reasons behind the war? As a Mulism, I've felt as though America went into Iraq, under the guise of "freeing" the citizens, and imposing Western ideologies of 'Democracy' when all they really wanted was oil, minerals, and other such resources. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 12px;"> Now </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 12px;">these</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 12px;"> countries are left in conditions so dire that it would be a greater threat for America to leave. </span></span></div>
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According to a study conducted by Brown university, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 12px;">132</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">,000 civilians have died from 10 years of war in <st1:country-region w:st="on">Iraq</st1:country-region> and <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Afghanistan</st1:place></st1:country-region>, a conservative estimate, by even by the Institute’s own admission. The death toll is in fact much higher. The study only examined direct violence that killed civilians —
bombings, gunshot wounds, missile strikes. It did not include the indirect deaths that occur when war creates refugees that can’t find food, clean
water or adequate medical care. Nor does it include the lost limbs and
emotional suffering that are a part of every war..(wired.com) </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">I guess as i write this what i'm recognizing is that what i'm looking for is not worship of those that have died for our country, but a recognition that there are womyn, children, men.....fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, that have innocently died because of this unreasonable war, who don't </span>have<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> their names </span>written<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"> on a plaque... or even a cross in Flanders Fields. No one wears a poppy for these nameless individuals. So if you have time, please take a moment of silence for the civilians that have died in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Israel, the Congo, Sudan....i could go on but you get the picture. Lest we forget....</span></div>
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</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-76362490811156144722011-10-01T15:54:00.002-04:002012-01-03T02:33:47.122-05:00Ad in the National Post....I am appalled<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I don’t have much time to write about this but i did want to post this in as many of my networks as possible. An enraging and disgusting ad was run on September 19th 2011 in the National Post by a the right leaning Christian group "Institute for Canadian Values" asking that children not be taught to question their sex, gender or sexuality, particularly in the classroom. The National Post has since released an apology, and are donating money to an LGBTQ organization. I am nonetheless horrified and disgusted. The damage has already been done and to apologize for it now does nothing to diminish the fact that it <u>was</u> published in the first place. I just want to clarify that when i mention that this ad was placed by a Christian group it is not an attack on any religion, but on people who use religion to as a means to discriminate against others. These are not part of the teachings of any scripture.<br />
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According to Loschiavo, The National Post, Senior Account Director they “generally wouldn’t run this [and will] probably take a stance on not running it again.” As a reader I am completely dissatisfied with this ridiculous excuse for an apology. Was that really any way to take accountability for their actions? He goes on to defend these actions by stating “We obviously don’t want to offend anyone, but I also understand that everyone has a freedom of speech” How shocking that a member of the public media would hide behind our basic rights to free speech. While I very strongly believe in those rights I believe just as strongly that we should not abuse it by spreading hate and this ad was very clearly an act of discrimination and bigotry. The use of a little girl, asking the reader not to confuse her is manipulative. It insinuates that you should never explore or question your sexuality and that children dont have the intelligence to make deductions of their own. The ad also advocates to end LGBTQ inclusive curriculums in Toronto schools, quoting directly from the Toronto District School Board Curriculum resource document called “Challenging Homophobia and Heterosexism,” which suggest that several optional lessons to become mandatory.<br />
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When groups hiding behind “Canadian family values” push for the reduction of education surrounding issues their children will deal with throughout their lifetime, not only within themselves but amongst their peers, you deny them the tools they require to understand and cope with these situations as they present themselves throughout the course of one's life. Allowing these children the space to explore the ideas of non-traditional family structures, gender and sexual identities in safe(r) environment such as a classroom, creates a normalization of such notions which can then prevent confusion later in life. It by no means forces children to adopt these values, it simply opens their eyes to different ways living. It is oppressive to silence the voices of the vast population we have in this beautiful country, and to use “Canadian family values” can only be seen in my eyes as a form of cultural appropriation. Those are not the values this great nation teaches. <br />
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The Canada I live in , does not promote homophobia and in fact teaches acceptance in having laws that allow for same sex marriage. My Canada is not transphobic, it certainly isn’t perfect however does cover sex reassignment surgery in several provinces. This includes hysterectomies, mastectomies chest contouring for womyn wishing to become men in Ontario Quebec and BC (other surgeries are covered in other provinces). For men who wish to become womyn, in Quebec, Ontario, Sakatchewan and BC they are eligible for coverage for a penectomy, orchiectomy (removal of testicles), and vaginoplasty. Though our system is far from perfect, I feel as thought this country makes great strides towards progressive values. The Canada I know and love says that discrimination against anyone based on sexuality is punishable by law.<br />
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I will end my post with this, a quote from an article on Gawker “Am I shocked and outraged that this ad ran? No. Not really. This is the same awful, religious-tinged advertising that gay [and trans] people have been subjected to for years and that some news outlet or another is always willing to run. Am I surprised? No. Saddened. Yes.” <br />
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If you or anyone you know is looking for information regarding SRS this is a great starting point. It's not the most official place to look but it has all your basic information in one area:<br />
http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Sex_reassignment_surgery_in_Canada_whats_covered_and_where-7706.aspx<br />
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The Original ad places in the paper</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7fo-3K059iE/ToaVJNekFMI/AAAAAAAAACs/cuJFXwLCrZ8/s1600/trans_ad1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7fo-3K059iE/ToaVJNekFMI/AAAAAAAAACs/cuJFXwLCrZ8/s640/trans_ad1.jpg" width="299" /></span></a></div>
A Closer look at what exactly it says...<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GCwdCus8dIA/ToaZOJATg5I/AAAAAAAAACw/MqOq9lGJPLg/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-10-01+at+12.37.26+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GCwdCus8dIA/ToaZOJATg5I/AAAAAAAAACw/MqOq9lGJPLg/s640/Screen+shot+2011-10-01+at+12.37.26+AM.png" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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Trans activist Chase Joynt launched a spoof ad. in response...<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L0dyVHAszNY/TocMZ-ueqKI/AAAAAAAAAC4/PCLW_rYCiOQ/s1600/trans_ad2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L0dyVHAszNY/TocMZ-ueqKI/AAAAAAAAAC4/PCLW_rYCiOQ/s640/trans_ad2.jpg" width="347" /></span></a></div>
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Again a closer look.... The bottom part is exactly the same so all you need to see is this<br />
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<b>Just a few stats showing why we need an inclusive education system:</b><br />
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33.2% of transgender youth have attempted suicide. (Clements-Nolle K., Marx R., Katz M. 2006).<br />
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55% of transgender youth report being physically attacked. (GLSEN. 2003)<br />
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74% of transgender youth reported being sexually harassed at school, and 90% of transgender youth reported feeling unsafe at school because of their gender expression. (GLSEN. 2001)<br />
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In a survey of 403 transgender people, 78% reported having been verbally harassed and 48% reported having been victims of assault, including assault with a weapon, sexual assault or rape. (Wilchins, R., Lombardi, E., Priesing, D. and Malouf, D. (1997)<br />
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<b>If you’re interested in reading the apology:</b><br />
http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/09/30/an-apology-from-the-national-post/<br />
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<b>Where I got alot of my information:</b><br />
http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Activists_respond_to_transphobic_ad_in_National_Post-10837.aspx<br />
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<br /></div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-78891691072343226932011-09-30T18:18:00.002-04:002011-09-30T18:34:41.826-04:00I'm not Perfect but....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Thank you to my beautiful friend Caro and her partner Nora, i love you both! Caro helped me load this....well actually she did everything. She changed to video format and did a bunch of computery things i dont know while i sat on their couch and ate with Nora. She told me that the quality of the video is a little low but it still works.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Now on to the video. I tried to post this about two weeks ago and it wouldn't work and as time went by I chickened out of posting it. I was finally given the opportunity to move forward with the plan when Caro mentioned her computer skills. I'm not going to say much because, as per my habit i rambled on quite a bit in the video so i apologize for the 11 minutes. I'll just say that it's about my struggles with perfection and this video is far from that and i was so nervous! I keep thinking i coud have done better but that's the point. So... Enjoy!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div>Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-55341156471037949912011-08-26T21:32:00.003-04:002011-08-30T18:45:30.910-04:00I'm no Beauty Queen I'm Just Beautiful Me!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VoOTkLth32E/Tlvtp2lIdpI/AAAAAAAAAB0/YqIaeDXD428/s1600/Screen%2Bshot%2B2011-08-29%2Bat%2B3.48.20%2BPM.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 299px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VoOTkLth32E/Tlvtp2lIdpI/AAAAAAAAAB0/YqIaeDXD428/s320/Screen%2Bshot%2B2011-08-29%2Bat%2B3.48.20%2BPM.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5646367861120726674" /></a> <br />
I wish people would be more kind to themselves. We are surrounded every day by self degrading messages, we live in a world that doesn't really give you the room to grow as an individual. We are bombarded with distorted images of nonexistent people, leaving us to believe that these are the standards we must live up to. I wish i could scream out to every girl out there, You Dont Have To Live Up to These Ridiculous Standards!! Somehow we internalize this inability to live up to nonexistent standards and assume it means we are lacking. But what if we're not lacking, what if they are? Personally i love a good pizza, or Big Mac every now and again. I refuse to withhold the food i love from myself. Mind you i dont go out and buy a bag of chips every day but about once a week i'll treat myself to dinner at Hard Rock downtown or some tasty chocolate. I remember a time not long ago where i woud feel terrible for poppig anything in my mouth that wasn't a fruit or veggie. Now it doens't seem so bad anymore. <br />
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How many positive thoughts do you think a day? How many times can you look at a picture of yourself and not criticize? My hair looks gross my body looks lumpy, my breast look too small, too big, i wish i looked like...But WHY do you need to look like person X person Y Person Z? I used to look myself in the mirror daily and proceed with a million self deprecating thought about things I felt I needed to improve. I used to hate everything about myself and was so desperate for people to love me that i realized that I was trying much too hard. <br />
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I recently suffered from the loss of several friends. They all decided they no longer wanted me to be a part of their lives. They spread rumours and hate like the damn plague. I would sit alone in my bed at night and wonder what did that was so awful. I begged a pleaded for them to let me in. For them to explain to me what had made them so angry that would allow them to come to the conclusion that they would no longer forgive me. Then a realized. It doesn't matter. I'm not perfect (though i like to think i'm quite near to it ; P) The people who want to be in life will be. The people who love me will continue to do so despite my flaws. <br />
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I've recently discovered something about myself,(thanks in part to a good friend in Toronto and some folks i met there as well) a huge discovery that is actually relatively inconsequential but significant to my life nonetheless. I like myself! Sounds silly doesn't it? But it's true. I'd say i'm pretty darn awesome. Those negative thoughts that used to plague my mind. The persistent negative self talk about why i cant look like this or that, are quiter than they used to be. Even on this blog i remember writing about how much i wish i looked like someone else. I dont anymore. I want to look like me! <br />
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Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7768570139780044297.post-3987078534026130172011-08-14T21:07:00.002-04:002011-08-29T19:09:22.532-04:00You can always tell when Allah remembers you, Just remember Allah that's all you have to doIt's that time of the year again for us Muslims, i actually love this month. I've been going through some hard times this past year and even more so lately, so Ramadan i feel helps bring some peace to my heart. I've learned so much recently about Islam and Ramadan that i thought i'd share a bit. So just a bief side note, I fast from sunrise to sunset every day for a month. I have to say, it's been a huge help to my soul. That emptiness i feel at times seems to fill with...something i dont have words for. I guess it's just a matter of filling that void. <br />
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I spoke recently about feeling like broken glass, I'm still broken but those pieces i'm welding seem to be a little stronger. Today i found out that friends...or ex friends have been saying these things about me that are truthful yes..to a degree. But have been twisted version of the truth. They whisper things in my sister's ear so she can come back and pound me in the head with the things they told her. I just wish she understood that just as i have a void to fill so do they and the way they fill it is by making someone hurt like they do. But rather than hurting me they hurt my sister. <br />
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I feel like what's gotten me through this is prayer. My faith in God or whatever you believe to be a similar entity lifts my spirits. I was listening to this song the other day. <br />
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You can always tell when Allah remembers you <br />
Just remember Allah, that’s all you have to do. <br />
All you have to do to have Allah remember you <br />
Is just remember Allah, Julla Jullalahu. (May His greatness be exalted.) <br />
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So my goal is to continue to remember God as often as i can in a day. A good friend of mine taught me the other day that if you dont pray the 5 times a day that you should you can also try saying little things about him 33 times. YOu can say things like <br />
<span style="font-weight:bold;">Alhamdulillah</span> "Praise to God" or "All praise is due to Allah," similar to the Hebrew phrase Halelu Yah (thank you Wikipedia!) <br />
<span style="font-weight:bold;">Bismillah</span> which is a shortened version of Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim, " in the name of God, the merciful and compassionate" Some tranlsations say :The most merciful the most gracious" <br />
<span style="font-weight:bold;"></span>Mashallah 'Whatever God wills" Which often you say when your wishing someone well. <br />
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I think it'll be the quickest and most effective way to make it through these hard times. I think there's something about the knowledge of a higher power that allows me to feel better. I guess i just feel like no matter what happens and no matter how many times people try to knock me down, i'll have faith to bring me back up again. I guess it's just difficult when negativity surrounds me and it almost overwhelms me. It's one thing to try and knock me down but to do so in this underhanded way by bullying my sister so she can do the same for me in return? I just dont get why this is satisfying for them. <br />
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I know i'm a good person, i know i'll go far in life. But why is it their goal for me to be left alone...that's one thing i dont think i'll ever understand. <br />
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Leilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07050481461809616970noreply@blogger.com2