December 6th 2011 Let us Always Cherish our Lives...

This day is an important one to me and I wanted to take some time to share it with you all.


On December 6th 1989. 22 years ago, Mark Lepine walked through the halls of École Polytechnique, a Univesity in Montreal Quebec, and opened gunshot on the students. Enraged that he had been rejected from the Engineering program, he stalked the hallways ready to fire when necessary. He walked into a classroom and demanded that the men and women be separated by sex into two lines and asked the men to leave the room.


"I am fighting Feminism"

He shot 6 of them from right to left and continued through the hallway where he proceeded to walk through the rest of the school, targeting womyn in his rampage. He entered another classroom and shot and killed another 8 womyn. In total he killed 14 womyn, injured another 10, and injured 4 men, before turning the gun on himself and committing suicide.

Every year on this day we commemorate the deaths of these young womyn and remember others who've died at the hands of violence. I think what i carry the most in remembrance of December 6th is the structural violence people of all genders face, and the hatred that some people carry on a daily basis. We live in a world that teaches us to hate, that teaches us that for one reason or another if you don't conform to certain standards set by society, you dont deserve to be a part of it.

I was involved in organizing the city wide vigil this year and about a hundred people came to morn with us. They gathered to Ottawa's Women's monument, to share a moment of silence for the 14 womyn that died at École Polytechnique.

Police came in uniform. It always pleases me to see police officers coming to take part in a night like this. Particularly knowing the way the justice system treats issues of violence against women.

A group of native womyn held pictures of their missing or murdered loved ones as a choir sang a song of remembrance. There are over 500 missing and murdered aboriginal womyn in Canada today. Let us remember that this land once belonged to them, and was stolen from them.

We began to name the women that had died all over Ontario this year. As each name was read out loud, along with a small story about who they were, a rose was placed at the base of the Women's Monument to represent each of those lives lost.

A native woman started to spread something around base of the monument where the lanterns and flowers were placed. I just stood and silently wondered what she was doing.

 Soon after, I ran up to her and asked what it was she had scattered. She told me it was tabacco. Apparently tabacco is sacred plant to the Aboriginal tribes of Ontario. She told me that the roots of a tabacco plant run deep into the ground but the smoke, once burned can rises into the sky, making its way to the heavens, therefore connecting those on earth to people in the afterlife.

As the night came to an end, everyone made their way home, ready to end the night in a nice warm bed. I went to bed grateful to be alive, grateful to be fighting this battle for equality, grateful to have never faced such extreme violence in my life. Most of all, i was grateful to know there are people out there who love me, know me, treasure me. While my life is far from a perfect one, on Dec 6th every year i'll be thankful to be alive.

National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women

I'm going to write a longer post about this with more context to the meaning of this day but for the moment for all the Candians out there and even those who are not Canadian. Please light a candle or have a moment of silence to remember the 14 womyn that we massacred at École Polytechnique on December 6th 1989.

Genevieve Beregron, 21 years old

Helene Colgan, 23

Nathalie Croteau, 23

 Maryse Leclair, 23

 Annie St-Arneault,  23 

Anne-Marie Edward, 21

Michelle Richard  21

Annie Turcotte 21; 

Barbara Daigneault 22

Anne-Marie Lemay, 22;

 Maryse Laganiere, 25 

Sonia Pelletier, 28;

Maud Haviernick, 29; 

Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31.


May you all rest in peace. Know that we remember you every year on this day and your death was not in vain.

Well ya like to bring me down, don't you? But I ain't laying down, Baby I ain't join' down.

Credit: Title Mr.Know it all. Kelly Clarkson

I'm not often triggered and as a support worker, I pride myself on keeping level headed in many situations, but every now and again something slips through the building blocks i've created to get here.  Several months ago, due to a train wreck of events I found myself feeling broken . If you read some of my older posts you'll understand. People i called my friends walked away, some I had known for a lifetime others, i had met within the year.

Unfortunately it didn't end at simply walking away. They began to spread rumours about me, they told people lies that admittedly they may have thought to be the truth. But not one of them or the people they subsequently spoke to, came to me. Not even one asked me if the words that were spread about me were true. In fact when i wrote  these people asking them...no begging them to explain to me what i had done wrong, i received nothing in return. They decided to play the game we as womyn are socialized to play. The gossip game. I was never told directly, they told people namely my family, several other friends, who then told me. I spent days crying...sobbing, feeling so alone I didn't know what to do with myself. People have left me before, friends have vanished, people who have promised to be around for life have turned their backs on me. But this mass exodus was more than i could take.

Just when i thought it couldn't get worse, one of the womyn, attacked a piece of me i had held so sacred I had always assumed nothing could touch it. She told me and the organization i volunteer for that i was an inadequate support worker, that I had broken confidentiality, that i was not fit to continue support work. She went through all my connections and did her absolute best to destroy my image as well as that of the  Collective I'm a part of. Weeks went by and couldn't bring myself to get back on that Support Line, or attend any of the workshops i had organized. I was supposed to facilitate a workshop on how to support a friend but was asked by members of the collective if someone else could facilitate because there was a possibility this person might attend. In short she made my life as close to a reflection of hell as she could. Eventually she moved out of the city and I was glad to see her go.

I guess what hurt me the most was her attack my skills as a support worker. She said that I was awful at this that, she didn't feel supported at all when I was with her, that I was not fit to continue this work. My goal in life is and always has been to help people. To help them find their way through tough times and even through happy times. I've always thought myself to have good shoulders to lean on when someone needed support. All my life I've known that I want to be a person that others could reply on when life became rough, when roads got rocky, and when battling things they may not feel they can conquer alone. When that person said, in so many words, that I wasn't at all who i thought i was. Somehow it very quickly cut through me, it's taken me a few months to re-build that confidence, but here i am today feeling better about life than i have in a long time.

It recently came to my attention that she would be interviewed for a position with yet another organization I work for. Here i was thinking i'd never have to hear her name again, but of course life has this funny way of keeping me on my toes. A friend of mine told me he was recommending her for the same postion I currently hold, that will be ending in December. The problem is, that I will still be very involved with the this organization and would more than likely run into her on a regular basis.

As soon as i heard her name my breath caught in my throat, my heart began to pound so quickly and so hard it hurt. My hands began to shake uncontrollably, i felt like something was sitting on my chest keeping my lungs from expanding. My body completely stiffened up.  I wasn't very nice to the person who told me. Someone who's actually a pretty good friend of mine. I was curt and angry and just not myself. I told him that i thought she was gone, I was under the impression that she had moved months ago. He explained that she needed a placement...blah blah blah, i really didn't care. All I wanted to know what would she get in my way. I later apologized for my tone, being a support worker himself he understood.

But this incredible reaction, all at the simple thought of her being in the same city as me, working at the same place I do, being around all the places i regularly attend. The last thing i want is to feel what i did months ago. To go back to being no more than a reflection of who i am now. My friend Scott once told me I have this funny way of growing where i tend to remain stagnant for periods of time and then very rapidly grow over short increments, (think of a staircase) and I think I've recently been through one of those growths. God has recently granted me the ability to gain clarity over everything that happened to me. I've been able to move on peacefully, and look back at that situation with rational thought rather than raw emotion but every now and again these feelings just creep up and surprise me.

Is it awful that I hate her? Not even hate because the feeling of hate is surrounded by sadness. While the pain has certainly dulled, I'm not ready to face her. To see her even once in a while, would be painful, and just something i'm not willing to face. She's part of a world I used to be in, has a group of friends that used to be mine. They all bonded over hating me, as of course females do. I know I don't wish for things to back to the way they were. I quite enjoy the amazing friends I now have in my life, but at the very least could we be friendly with one another? Is that too much to ask? I hate feeling negatively towards another person, emotions like that just rot in your system till the all those adverse events gather and spread through your soul like a cancerous tumour. i've seen people carry pain with them, i've seen the haunted look that never leave their face. The smiles that never reach their eyes. I don't want that to happen to me and yet, when the thought of this person crosses my mind.

This post has gotten very long....I tend to babble when i'm feeling a lot. I guess in conclusion, It's been about a week since her name was uttered, since the threat of her presence surfaced. She's being interviewed for that position, she's quite qualified for it. I guess it's all a waiting game now. My friend who told me she was applying promised me that he would ensure my safe space wasn't violated. I'm trusting in that and can only hope to deal with this maturely and rationally.

Lest we forget...

" In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row...".It's remembrance day here in Canada, a day to remember the men and womyn who have died for us in war. Though i do morn the death of these individuals i can't help but feel as though...i guess i'm unsure about using this day to remember soldiers that have fought in past and current wars.

Though it is a noble thing to fight for your country, would it be just as noble to fight a war that we should have never had in the first place? I think Micheal Moore said it best "We live in fictitious times," he said while receiving the award for best documentary for his 2002 anti-gun film, Bowling for Columbine. "We live in a time with fictitious election results that elect fictitious presidents. We live in a time when we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons..."

Without getting too deep into the political nature of that statement i wonder...can i still morn the death of those who died even if i dont agree with the reasons behind the war? As a Mulism, I've felt as though America went into Iraq, under the guise of "freeing" the citizens, and imposing Western ideologies of 'Democracy'  when all they really wanted was oil, minerals, and other such resources.  Now these countries are left in conditions so dire that it would be a greater threat for America to leave. 

According to a study conducted by Brown university, 132,000 civilians have died from 10 years of war in Iraq and Afghanistan, a conservative estimate, by even by the Institute’s own admission. The death toll is in fact much higher. The study only examined direct violence that killed civilians — bombings, gunshot wounds, missile strikes. It did not include the  indirect deaths that occur when war creates refugees that can’t find food, clean water or adequate medical care. Nor does it include the lost limbs and emotional suffering that are a part of every war..(wired.com) 

I guess as i write this what i'm recognizing is that what i'm looking for is not worship of those that have died for our country, but a recognition that there are womyn, children, men.....fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, that have innocently died because of this unreasonable war, who don't have their names written on a plaque... or even a cross in Flanders Fields. No one wears a poppy for these nameless individuals. So if you have time, please take a moment of silence for the civilians that have died in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Israel, the Congo, Sudan....i could go on but you get the picture. Lest we forget....

Ad in the National Post....I am appalled

I don’t have much time to write about this but i did want to post this in as many of my networks as possible. An enraging and disgusting ad was run on September 19th 2011 in the National Post by a the right leaning Christian group "Institute for Canadian Values" asking that children not be taught to question their sex, gender or sexuality, particularly in the classroom. The National Post has since released an apology, and are donating money to an LGBTQ organization. I am nonetheless horrified and disgusted.  The damage has already been done and to apologize for it now does nothing to diminish the fact that it was published in the first place. I just want to clarify that when i mention that this ad was placed by a Christian group it is not an attack on any religion, but on people who use religion to as a means to discriminate against others. These are not part of the teachings of any scripture.

According to Loschiavo, The National Post, Senior Account Director they “generally wouldn’t run this [and will] probably take a stance on not running it again.” As a reader I am completely dissatisfied with this ridiculous excuse for an apology. Was that really any way to take accountability for their actions? He goes on to defend these actions by stating “We obviously don’t want to offend anyone, but I also understand that everyone has a freedom of speech” How shocking that a member of the public media would hide behind our basic rights to free speech. While I very strongly believe in those rights I believe just as strongly that we should not abuse it by spreading hate and this ad was very clearly an act of discrimination and bigotry. The use of a little girl, asking the reader not to confuse her is manipulative. It insinuates that you should never explore or question your sexuality and that children dont have the intelligence to make deductions of their own. The ad also advocates to end LGBTQ inclusive curriculums in Toronto schools,  quoting directly from the Toronto District School Board Curriculum resource document called “Challenging Homophobia and Heterosexism,” which suggest that several optional lessons to become mandatory.

When groups hiding behind “Canadian family values” push for the reduction of education surrounding issues their children will deal with throughout their lifetime, not only within themselves but amongst their peers, you deny them the tools they require to understand and cope with these situations as they present themselves throughout the course of one's life. Allowing these children the space to explore the ideas of non-traditional family structures, gender and sexual identities in safe(r) environment such as a classroom, creates a normalization of such notions which can then prevent confusion later in life. It by no means forces children to adopt these values, it simply opens their eyes to different ways living. It is oppressive to silence the voices of the vast population we have in this beautiful country, and to use “Canadian family values” can only be seen in my eyes as a form of cultural appropriation. Those are not the values this great nation teaches.

The Canada I live in , does not promote homophobia and in fact teaches acceptance in having laws that allow for same sex marriage. My Canada is not transphobic, it certainly isn’t perfect however does cover sex reassignment surgery in several provinces. This includes hysterectomies, mastectomies chest contouring for womyn wishing to become men in Ontario Quebec and BC (other surgeries are covered in other provinces). For men who wish to become womyn, in Quebec, Ontario, Sakatchewan and BC  they are eligible for coverage for a penectomy, orchiectomy (removal of testicles), and vaginoplasty. Though our system is far from perfect, I feel as thought this country makes great strides towards progressive values. The Canada I know and love says that discrimination against anyone based on sexuality is punishable by law.

I will end my post with this, a quote from an article on Gawker “Am I shocked and outraged that this ad ran? No. Not really. This is the same awful, religious-tinged advertising that gay [and trans] people have been subjected to for years and that some news outlet or another is always willing to run. Am I surprised? No. Saddened. Yes.”

If you or anyone you know is looking for information regarding SRS this is a great starting point. It's not the most official place to look but it has all your basic information in one area:
http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Sex_reassignment_surgery_in_Canada_whats_covered_and_where-7706.aspx


The Original ad places in the paper

A Closer look at what exactly it says...

Trans activist Chase Joynt launched a spoof ad. in response...

Again a closer look.... The bottom part is exactly the same so all you need to see is this

Just a few stats showing why we need an inclusive education system:

33.2% of transgender youth have attempted suicide. (Clements-Nolle K., Marx R., Katz M. 2006).

55% of transgender youth report being physically attacked. (GLSEN. 2003)

74% of transgender youth reported being sexually harassed at school, and 90% of transgender youth reported feeling unsafe at school because of their gender expression. (GLSEN. 2001)

In a survey of 403 transgender people, 78% reported having been verbally harassed and 48% reported having been victims of assault, including assault with a weapon, sexual assault or rape. (Wilchins, R., Lombardi, E., Priesing, D. and Malouf, D. (1997)

If you’re interested in reading the apology:
http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/09/30/an-apology-from-the-national-post/

Where I got alot of my information:
http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/Activists_respond_to_transphobic_ad_in_National_Post-10837.aspx

I'm not Perfect but....

Thank you to my beautiful friend Caro and her partner Nora, i love you both! Caro helped me load this....well actually she did everything. She changed to video format and did a bunch of computery things i dont know while i sat on their couch and ate with Nora. She told me that the quality of the video is a little low but it still works.

Now on to the video. I tried to post this about two weeks ago and it wouldn't work and as time went by I chickened out of posting it. I was finally given the opportunity to move forward with the plan when Caro mentioned her computer skills. I'm not going to say much because, as per my habit i rambled on quite a bit in the video so i apologize for the 11 minutes. I'll just say that it's about my struggles with perfection and this video is far from that and i was so nervous! I keep thinking i coud have done better but that's the point. So... Enjoy!

I'm no Beauty Queen I'm Just Beautiful Me!

I wish people would be more kind to themselves. We are surrounded every day by self degrading messages, we live in a world that doesn't really give you the room to grow as an individual. We are bombarded with distorted images of nonexistent people, leaving us to believe that these are the standards we must live up to. I wish i could scream out to every girl out there, You Dont Have To Live Up to These Ridiculous Standards!! Somehow we internalize this inability to live up to nonexistent standards and assume it means we are lacking. But what if we're not lacking, what if they are? Personally i love a good pizza, or Big Mac every now and again. I refuse to withhold the food i love from myself. Mind you i dont go out and buy a bag of chips every day but about once a week i'll treat myself to dinner at Hard Rock downtown or some tasty chocolate. I remember a time not long ago where i woud feel terrible for poppig anything in my mouth that wasn't a fruit or veggie. Now it doens't seem so bad anymore.

How many positive thoughts do you think a day? How many times can you look at a picture of yourself and not criticize? My hair looks gross my body looks lumpy, my breast look too small, too big, i wish i looked like...But WHY do you need to look like person X person Y Person Z? I used to look myself in the mirror daily and proceed with a million self deprecating thought about things I felt I needed to improve. I used to hate everything about myself and was so desperate for people to love me that i realized that I was trying much too hard.

I recently suffered from the loss of several friends. They all decided they no longer wanted me to be a part of their lives. They spread rumours and hate like the damn plague. I would sit alone in my bed at night and wonder what did that was so awful. I begged a pleaded for them to let me in. For them to explain to me what had made them so angry that would allow them to come to the conclusion that they would no longer forgive me. Then a realized. It doesn't matter. I'm not perfect (though i like to think i'm quite near to it ; P) The people who want to be in life will be. The people who love me will continue to do so despite my flaws.

I've recently discovered something about myself,(thanks in part to a good friend in Toronto and some folks i met there as well) a huge discovery that is actually relatively inconsequential but significant to my life nonetheless. I like myself! Sounds silly doesn't it? But it's true. I'd say i'm pretty darn awesome. Those negative thoughts that used to plague my mind. The persistent negative self talk about why i cant look like this or that, are quiter than they used to be. Even on this blog i remember writing about how much i wish i looked like someone else. I dont anymore. I want to look like me!