I'm no Beauty Queen I'm Just Beautiful Me!

I wish people would be more kind to themselves. We are surrounded every day by self degrading messages, we live in a world that doesn't really give you the room to grow as an individual. We are bombarded with distorted images of nonexistent people, leaving us to believe that these are the standards we must live up to. I wish i could scream out to every girl out there, You Dont Have To Live Up to These Ridiculous Standards!! Somehow we internalize this inability to live up to nonexistent standards and assume it means we are lacking. But what if we're not lacking, what if they are? Personally i love a good pizza, or Big Mac every now and again. I refuse to withhold the food i love from myself. Mind you i dont go out and buy a bag of chips every day but about once a week i'll treat myself to dinner at Hard Rock downtown or some tasty chocolate. I remember a time not long ago where i woud feel terrible for poppig anything in my mouth that wasn't a fruit or veggie. Now it doens't seem so bad anymore.

How many positive thoughts do you think a day? How many times can you look at a picture of yourself and not criticize? My hair looks gross my body looks lumpy, my breast look too small, too big, i wish i looked like...But WHY do you need to look like person X person Y Person Z? I used to look myself in the mirror daily and proceed with a million self deprecating thought about things I felt I needed to improve. I used to hate everything about myself and was so desperate for people to love me that i realized that I was trying much too hard.

I recently suffered from the loss of several friends. They all decided they no longer wanted me to be a part of their lives. They spread rumours and hate like the damn plague. I would sit alone in my bed at night and wonder what did that was so awful. I begged a pleaded for them to let me in. For them to explain to me what had made them so angry that would allow them to come to the conclusion that they would no longer forgive me. Then a realized. It doesn't matter. I'm not perfect (though i like to think i'm quite near to it ; P) The people who want to be in life will be. The people who love me will continue to do so despite my flaws.

I've recently discovered something about myself,(thanks in part to a good friend in Toronto and some folks i met there as well) a huge discovery that is actually relatively inconsequential but significant to my life nonetheless. I like myself! Sounds silly doesn't it? But it's true. I'd say i'm pretty darn awesome. Those negative thoughts that used to plague my mind. The persistent negative self talk about why i cant look like this or that, are quiter than they used to be. Even on this blog i remember writing about how much i wish i looked like someone else. I dont anymore. I want to look like me!

You can always tell when Allah remembers you, Just remember Allah that's all you have to do

It's that time of the year again for us Muslims, i actually love this month. I've been going through some hard times this past year and even more so lately, so Ramadan i feel helps bring some peace to my heart. I've learned so much recently about Islam and Ramadan that i thought i'd share a bit. So just a bief side note, I fast from sunrise to sunset every day for a month. I have to say, it's been a huge help to my soul. That emptiness i feel at times seems to fill with...something i dont have words for. I guess it's just a matter of filling that void.

I spoke recently about feeling like broken glass, I'm still broken but those pieces i'm welding seem to be a little stronger. Today i found out that friends...or ex friends have been saying these things about me that are truthful yes..to a degree. But have been twisted version of the truth. They whisper things in my sister's ear so she can come back and pound me in the head with the things they told her. I just wish she understood that just as i have a void to fill so do they and the way they fill it is by making someone hurt like they do. But rather than hurting me they hurt my sister.

I feel like what's gotten me through this is prayer. My faith in God or whatever you believe to be a similar entity lifts my spirits. I was listening to this song the other day.

You can always tell when Allah remembers you
Just remember Allah, that’s all you have to do.
All you have to do to have Allah remember you
Is just remember Allah, Julla Jullalahu. (May His greatness be exalted.)

So my goal is to continue to remember God as often as i can in a day. A good friend of mine taught me the other day that if you dont pray the 5 times a day that you should you can also try saying little things about him 33 times. YOu can say things like
Alhamdulillah "Praise to God" or "All praise is due to Allah," similar to the Hebrew phrase Halelu Yah (thank you Wikipedia!)
Bismillah which is a shortened version of Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim, " in the name of God, the merciful and compassionate" Some tranlsations say :The most merciful the most gracious"
Mashallah 'Whatever God wills" Which often you say when your wishing someone well.

I think it'll be the quickest and most effective way to make it through these hard times. I think there's something about the knowledge of a higher power that allows me to feel better. I guess i just feel like no matter what happens and no matter how many times people try to knock me down, i'll have faith to bring me back up again. I guess it's just difficult when negativity surrounds me and it almost overwhelms me. It's one thing to try and knock me down but to do so in this underhanded way by bullying my sister so she can do the same for me in return? I just dont get why this is satisfying for them.

I know i'm a good person, i know i'll go far in life. But why is it their goal for me to be left alone...that's one thing i dont think i'll ever understand.

Dan Savage on Stephen Colbert

So i was recently watching this clip of the incredible Dan Savage on The Colbert Report. It's so fascinating because he talks about the institution of marriage and how monogamy isn't always necessary. Not that you cant be monogamous but that it's ok to have more open relationships. I think that he makes some really valid arguments, people are so hung up on this idea of monogamy that they forget that "till death do us part" is a long time. For some (not all) they might wanna experience different things that their partners may not. So without further adieu may I introduce Dan Savage...well and Stephen Colbert.

Check out the video HERE

Close Enough To Start a War, All That I have is On The Floor

Who am i?
Isnt that a loaded question? Who am I? Well…what can I say I am…for some reason my first thought was “lost.” Which leads to the sharing of my recent self discoveries. I know who i am, in fact i know myself better now than i have in the past. However, I believe that road to self discovery is till quite long and winding. I used to be someone who hated who I was and what I thought I represented. Insecurities plagued my mind, and left me searching for external means of validation. Now I feel as though I have a goal, I have a purpose and somehow I feel as though I’m closer to attaining my life's purpose.

Have you ever felt like something is so close within your grasp and somehow it's just too far to touch? That's how i currently feel, the problem is i have only the faintest idea what it is i'm reaching for. Maybe self acceptance? I was taking a walk the other night and looking up at the stars. It was so interesting to look and only see a select few. I began to wonder what it was about those stars that seemed strong enough penetrate through the atmosphere of our world? Even in a city cast so full of lights, these individual balls of candescence shine so strongly that a person can see them from any street, any rooftop, anywhere on earth. People look to them for guidance, people wish on them, when lost just look for the North Star and you'll find your way home.

Sometimes i look up and wonder what it takes to be that star. What do i need to do shine that brightly? How can I ensure my place in life? So many thoughts on my mind I find it difficult to focus on just one. I feel lost as of late. I feel as though my instincts are deceiving me, playing tricks on me and I'm so unsure as to what I should believe. On one hand i feel as though this soliloquy that ruminates daily through my mind is the only truth i should listen to, but are my personal thoughts truly that accurate? I feel like i know myself, i feel like i love myself and yet somehow a cloud of doubt still lingers within me.

I recently the target of this huge fight with several of my friends. All of which had incredibly negative things to say about me. They attacked me mercilessly and as each one shot a bullet of words i felt a piece of myself break into shards on the floor. Then they left me, and all i had were those tiny little morsels of my soul scattered around me like broken glass. For days i held on to those pieces, hoping somehow I could place them back together. I think that's when the greatest realization came. I don't have to. Maybe this was a sign that it's time to rebuild and weld new pieces, but i'm not a patient person however and i'm in a hurry to get on with life. It seems like those fragments of myself were so quick to shatter and fall and i just don't understand why it has to take so damn long to heal and grow and just move the hell on. I just wanna yell at these people. YOU broke me YOU attacked me, YOU made me feel like i had lost control over everything. Now I'M left to start over? How is that fair? Do you know how difficult it was for me to FINALLY love myself and in one fell swoop, you destroyed what was already so fragile. Even the most solid thoughts in my mind, even what i felt most confident about, they left cracks in. I hate them for it.....I hate myself for it. Sometimes i wonder why i'm so quick to move to self deprecating thoughts.

As a member of a collective that runs a sexual assault support line i was so solid, so sure in my beliefs that i was a good Support Worker and now...now i'm not so sure at all. One person was all it took...one person to tell me i'm not, for various reasons of her own and i soaked it all up. Such an integral part of my heart and i just watched as that crack seeped it's way through my heart and broke it.

Maybe i needed this. Maybe i needed to break so i could truly be whole. Maybe next time someone tries to break me i'll be able to stand up against the poison arrows. As Adele said: "Next time i'll be braver i'll be my own saviour, standing on my own two feet" How that song seems to ring so true to how I feel lately. Tomorrow is another day and as i place these new pieces where the old ones fell out i'll be sure to make them stronger, more durable. So one day i'll be able to believe that i'm someone special, that i'm worth fighting for. Even if i'm not all that sure right now. I know i will be. In the mean time there are people who love me as I am. Even as this crazy, insecure, unsure individual. But i'm ready to grow and though it'll take time, the foundation i build this time will be stronger

Cause there's a side to you that I never knew All the things you'd say, they were never true, And the games you's play, you would always win

So just for some perspective this letter is to someone i was involved with. I initially thought that we would end up in a relationship only to realize that they chose to go back to their previous partner.

I feel as though I have a ball in the pit of my stomach; one that seems to tighten at the thought of you. As it tightens it seems to spread, and never fails to reach my heart, this heart of mine so vulnerable and ready for the taking. Why do I do this to myself? Why must I leave this precious part of me so open to pain? While I use all my energy to heal others, who’s left to heal me? I pour my soul into the healing of another human being and yet when I looked to you for a little affection a little indication that maybe you can give me a piece of what I so long for, you leave me disappointed.

You who walks like you own those around you, as though you have something superior to them all, when in reality you are just as lost as I am. You think you can hide it behind those shadowed blue eyes that you excel at making look strong and empty. You think that it will keep you from experiencing pain? I think you hide behind a mask of anger to keep people from knowing just how alone you are. You express yourself through cryptic messages almost as though you’re begging people to see you, the real you. The thing is, they don’t and they never will. Not through these one lined messages you post on a social network people use to escape reality. Though for you that message is a small indication of what your reality looks like and yet not enough for people to really truly understand what lies beneath your façade.

Isn’t that interesting? I let people in too much and you don’t let them in at all. You don’t allow them to touch your soul for fear of pain and I allow everyone a piece of myself, which chips away each time someone comes in a little too deeply. Neither are any better than the other but both keep us from the happiness we deserve. Why do you allow yourself to remain so unhappy? Almost as though if you keep yourself in this state, so you can remain in control of yourself and your emotions. The thing is I know you’re attracted to me. I know that we have something good, but somehow you’re missing the big picture when you communicate your lack of desire for a relationship. I could rid you of that anger, I could rid you of that wall you build to protect yourself. But you chose to look the other way, you chose to move towards a what was already a once failed relationship all the while silently turning your back to me.

I hold no ill feelings towards you….or at least I try not to. I get it, it’s much easier to pick what ‘s been so familiar. It’s easier to look at a person who’s eyes you’ve stared into many times before. But what I cant get rid of is the feeling of “why not me” why could you not choose something new, something different? As I look deeper into those thoughts as I analyse the very origin of those thoughts, I begin to realize my heart feels empty, hollow, void of the affection I so long to feel


The difference is while you turn your back on what would be a leap of faith, while you continue to claim you have no faith, again a means of protecting yourself, mine grows by the moment. I know that along side my footprints in life are His, what do you have? That mask. I hope that mask keeps you warm at night, I hope that protective layer you put up in front of yourself protects you from whatever it I you fear.

Letter from a 40 something to a 20 something

I found this article...well more like an advice column the other day on a friend's facebook page.I've been struggling alot lately with myself and trying to find peace and tranquility in this soul of mine.Interestingly enough it feels as though i stumbled upon this at the right time. Sugar is an advice columnist and someone wrote in asking what advice she would give, now at approximately 40, to herself in her 20s. What came out of it was insightful and beautiful and uplifting. I felt like she was talking to me. All these doubts that have recently clouded my mind, it was like she heard them and answered every one of those little demons in my head. Without further adieu i introduce to you, Sugar.


Dear Sugar,

I read your column religiously. I’m 22. From what I can tell by your writing, you’re in your early 40s. My question is short and sweet: what would you tell your 20-something self if you could talk to her now?


Dear [Writer]
Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.

In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked into your bed, straddles you, and says, You should run away from me before I devour you, believe her.

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.


Click here to purchase a Sugar Shirt.
When that really sweet but fucked up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do ecstasy with them, say no.

There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.

One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.

Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.

You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.

Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.

One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.

Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.

The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.

One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.

Say thank you.

Yours,
Sugar

http://therumpus.net/2011/02/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-64/

Canada goes postal

A great piece from a friend of mine

Canadian politics piqued the interest again of the international community and gripped the nation by their mailbox. The debate in parliament that fixed time and set a new record for debate was over the issue of the mail.

It all began on the 2nd of June when the Postal Workers Union went on strike (CUPW) over negotiations over their contract and concerns regarding the health of their workers surrounding new machinery that has been introduced for sorting the mail. The Union launched a rotating strike that went around the country freezing paper communications in one city and then the next. This action lasted for twelve days to no avail.

Canada Post then took the step on the 14th of June to ‘Lock Out’ their workers once the strike hit its Toronto Office, the reason they claimed was that it was costing them millions of dollars. They were planning in a move that has been echoed across numerous public bodies in Canada and the West in an attempt to bring down costs, they suggested new employs begin at a lower pay grade than before but are able to work up to the same pay point as their colleagues. This claims the Union would have lead to a clear ‘two tiered’ system where two people doing the same job would get different pay.

Other mail companies such as Puralator were counting their lucky starts as soon as negotiations broke down between the two sides as neither one were willing to budge on principles. With increases in their deliveries reaching the triple digits as people desperate to pass on messages and packages had to turn to the private sector. The government however and its vast bureaucracy was left caught in the hell fire caused over the lock out.

On Monday the 20th six days later a Bill was introduced to Parliament, the get Canada Post back to work bill was immediately deplored by the new Opposition the New Democrat Party as draconian and an attack on the principles of fair bargaining with clauses covering final offer binding arbitration. They also opposed the fact that the Bill specifically outlined the wages for the workers, which was set to lower to than what Canada had offered the Union at the last negotiations. The Conservative government however retaliated claiming that the debacle was costing the economy between 9 million and 35 million a week and was particularly troublesome for those depending on government assistance.

What happened between the 23rd and now is monumental. As debate opened on Thursday the 23rd the parliamentary calendar was set to that work day, the NDP however were determined to call the Conservatives to account for perceived anti-labour overtures. The ensuing filibuster lasted over 3 days and two nights. The epic 56 hour debating session broke the previous record set in the 80’s and the true hero of it all must truly have been Elizabeth May, the only and also the leader of the Green Party she represented a caucus of one and remained at the debate for at least 30 hours only leaving for brief breaks. The two entrenched oppositions parties battled it out, at one point with the NDP tabling a ‘hoist’ motioned which would have pushed the issue back six months. The Liberals and Conservatives however shot it down. Eventually the Conservative majority steam rolled the Bill through and at 8pm on Saturday it was passed through the lower house. It will be going to Senate on Sunday morning and is expected to face no real opposition there. It looks set that the now unedited Bill will be ordering the 46 thousand postal workers back to work by the middle of next week.

A real record has been set this week, as the Parliament calendar passes onto the next work day confused to discover its now Sunday, the crunch on postal workers to clear the back log by Canada Day will be a gruelling task and probably highly opposed to the now further disgruntled Union. The Conservatives have flexed their muscles to get this Bill through, but there has been little doubt at all that the 56 hour filibuster is just the beginning of the fight that going to be put up by the novice Official Opposition Party.