New Beginnings

I know I haven't posted for a while but I fully intend to keep blogging, I'm just not sure what I want to write about here.  Alot has been going on in my life but i havent been inspired to write about it. I am starting a new job at a homeless shelter though, doing harm reduction work, so i'll try to post here every now and again just to keep you updated. I also want to let you folks know that I'm collaborating on a new blog with my good friend Barry from Life In Quotations

Our blog As You Are  came about because we both have a strong interest in some of the most important issues that people face today. I wanted a space to generally cover the heavier topics that I tend to deal with in my activism and support work, while he does alot of online support work. This seems to be a great fit and a perfect next step, for both of us. We hope it will become an interactive space where people can share their stories and experiences.

Click here to link, we hope to see you there!

Update

I know it's been awhile since i've written. In all honesty i was feeling a bit discouraged, not many people visit this blog and those that do, seem to be people that stumble into it following a google hit. That's ok though, i also should take accountability in that I dont put alot of effort into reaching out into the community. So at this point, i'm debating whether to close this blog down and start over with a new blog, stop blogging altogether, or continue with this one and see where it leads me.

As for an update on my life. I started working 6 weeks ago at the Ottawa Rape Crisis Center, It was only a 6 week contract so i'm  done now, but what a wonderful experience to have grown and learned from. I've also completed volunteer training at the Sexual Assault Support Center of Ottawa. I'm trying to find a full time job right now in my field of interest. I want to work with an organisation that supports survivors and works using an anti-oppression model. In other words, a place that empowers survivors to work towards their own healing.

Life has been going petty well lately. I've had my own ups and downs but knowing that my life is moving forward helps keep me balanced.


Anyways....that's all there is in terms of updates. I'll keep you posted as to what i plan on doing to this page. Let me know your thoughts!

So sick of bullies

A friend of mine has been harassed recently on campus for being gay. He's gained alot of attention because he's very outspoken about issues he cares deeply about. So in retaliation, apparently having no  ability to have a proper discussion around serious issues like racism, abortion, and homophobia, the people he's been having these discussion with (knowns as the campus Conservatives) decided to bully him for being gay. Of course, it's the next logical step right? Cant argue, so let's pick on his sexuality. He's asked me to spread the word far and wide. He's gone to the media, and really trying to get people to take notice of this issue, so I'm posting it here.

I've noticed alot of people have been popping in to read. Leave a comment if you feel comfortable :)  Support for such a beautiful individual like Arün, is always welcome.

Here's his story:

http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/Canada/Ottawa/1305550861/ID=2235726719

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2012/05/17/ottawa-police-probe-homophobic-meme.html

It's Prom season!

Though i'm well out of high school it's an important time for many teens here in Ottawa. I remember how excited i was to go, I had seen it on TV and couldn't wait to experience it in real life. Unfortunately i didn't have enough money for a dress. I was not earning much and had to shop at plus size stores to find a prom dress that fit. The problem was and still is for many, that the vast majority of plus size clothing is quite expensive. A dress that should be about $100 for an average size girl would cost 200-300 or more for a bigger girl.

As i listened to the radio on my way to school one day I heard an advertisement for Fairy Godmother Ottawa, a non-profit organization that lends out prom desses donated by people in the city. I found a beautiful halter neck, purple dress, that was big and poofy and made me feel pretty. Something that came very rarely for me. They offered me shoes, jewelry, everything i needed to look perfect.

So here i am several years later, graduating University. This past year i managed to loose 46Lbs. I went down from 206-160 and though my weight loss journey isn't over I am stuck with 4 beautiful dresses I can no longer wear. So i'm paying back the Fairy Godmothers that gave me a dress that,  like Cinderella, I could not keep. The only difference is that I didn't have to return the dress at midnight and glass slippers were not part of the deal! I did have to return the dress the following day though, much to my chagrin.

Here was my prom dress...I still look at it and just love it. I apologize for the bad quality, these are pictures of pictures.

I wore this one as the maid of honour at a friend's wedding. For some reason i can't seem to find a picture of myself wearing it at the wedding, so here's me in it today! I thank my armpits for holding it up. I loved this dress because it made me think of Sleeping Beauty, I would dance around my room singing "once upon a dream". Even though I was probably 23 by then I very quickly revered to childhood in a dress that called for it.

I wore this for my gr 8 formal. A friend of my mom made it for me. I remember being upset because i wanted it to be poofier....i think i just wanted to look like a princess. I'm starting to see a recurring theme here now that I think about it. What an impact disney has on young kids.

This was at some sort of family reunion or party. Here's what it looks like now and how it looked back then.

This was for my birthday 2 years ago, I could only find pictures of me sitting, where you cant see the who dress so here's what it looks like now and what you can see of it from 2 years ago. Because it was a bit small on me at the time, the waist seem to fit now, just a little loose, the breast area is quite big now. I hope some girl out there will enjoy it.

It's great to clean out my closet, it's definitely an ego boost to see the weight i've lost, but just imagining some young girl here in the city feeling down about her size, as I always did, and even just for one night making her feel pretty, it's a good feeling.


If you happen to live in the Ottawa area or maybe are able to ship some clothes to a Brown's location, or if you just want to learn more about the organization here's the link.
http://www.brownscleaners.ca/fairygodmother/whoweare.htm

Everything is happening and Yet Nothing...The Conundrum that is my Life

I know it's been a while sine i've written. I am feeling better but i'm also quite busy.  It's almost 3:00am here and i cant sleep. I laid in bed for about an hour until i couldn't take it anymore and decided to spend some time on the internet, so I thought i'd write.  In the meantime I got a text from a friend who also couldn't sleep, which turned in to an entire conversation, which turned into support session. I find it funny how i always manage  to end up in a space where i'm supporting someone. I have to say, i do love it. What are friends for if we're not there to support each other?

The Sexual Assault Support Center here in Ottawa has begun training for support workers and although i'm already trained, it's never enough. There's always something i can learn, always a way i can improve my skills and my ability to help people. So I've started training, which runs every Saturday and some Thursdays till June. Once training is complete I will be part of their collective!* I'll be taking shifts on a support line, I'l be doing one on one in person support work, also group sessions, I'll also be accompanying womyn either to court, the police station.... or wherever it is they feel they need someone to be with them.

 I'm so excited and really believe it's what i need to get out of my rutt. Mind you i'm also graduating from University.  I got into a program as well in Toronto. (unofficially, I've been told I was accepted but i have to wait for papers) A feminist based counseling program! I'm so elated about that, and think it'll a great way to gain the experience i'm looking for. My dream is to work at a grassroots level, helping sex workers, homeless folks, addicts, runaways....the people society gave up on, look down on, and shame.


I digress....I was talking about my life. My life is at a standstill. If it's moving forward i cant quite. Yes the graduation and the counseling program but...it's all going so slow. I can't seem to find a job. Which to be fair is the same song and dance every undergraduate is facing. I wanted to graduate this summer but cant till November because i cant pay off my tuition fast enough, so the university will not allow me to apply for graduation. *Insert rant about the evils of Capitalism* So i'm paying it off one bit at a time.


In the meantime my goal is to constantly be working towards self growth. If i can grow as a person, if I can feel like i'm maturing or learning then I can wait a little longer till I find exactly what it is i'm looking for.

* A collective is an organisation of people working towards a common goal. There's no hierarchy within these kinds of groups.

Goodbye My Friend

I hate you. I hate you because I loved you, because I trusted you, because you were supposed to be my friend. In the end you allowed your pride to get in the way. I know I made mistakes, but nothing is unforgivable. At least not the things I would ever be capable of. I'm sorry you couldn't work through your own self pity to realize I was there for you. I was always there for you. I was a real friend. But, like everyone has before you, you chose to walk away and blame it on me.

Well you know what? It's not about me anymore. It's not about me not being worth it. It's about you. You're no longer worth my time, my thoughts, my energy. This is my goodbye. This is my good riddance.


It's not me It's you.

Never enough pt.2

Spot stained hands
From sins of the past
Feet torn appart
From pacing holes
In this home's wooden floors

Worn down
Torn out
Emptied
From the back and forth motions that refused to take rest

Holes burned in my heart
Pathways carved in my brain
From the repetitive thought pattern
Of the why's and why not's

Fingers can't catch up
To the the mental gymnastics

Of the..
Why do you hate me?
Why cant we go back?
And the...
Why can't I fix it?
What did I do?

The cerebral ruminations...
Such a bad friend
Such a bad person
Such a terrible human being

Is it you or me?
Where are the answers?

Tears won't desist
As they fill a bitter taste in my mouth
Not for an hour so I can rest
Not a minute so I can think
Not for a second so I can breathe

Why
am I
NEVER enough..